Going overboard on many things is acceptable. For instance, you can never top your froyo with too many gummy bears. And when Adele does her thing on the radio, that dial simply cannot be cranked too high. Oh, and toenail polish—a girl needs, like, every single color because wearing just the right one at just the right time will make her feel like a new person. More than three blue cheese-stuffed olives floating around in my gin martini? You won’t hear me complaining. And ranch dressing. I mean, really, that stuff is delicious in ridiculous amounts—on anything. But alas, we all need boundaries and I draw mine at pick-up lines.
I’ve heard some real doozies in my time—some from mentally ill patients—but mostly from self-described sane, thirty-something men. While I was working at the state psychiatric hospital, a patient proposed to me. He was grossly psychotic, but still had enough sense not to pop the question without a ring in tote. He bought a cubic zirconia ring at the commissary, wrote me a passion-fueled letter that could have been ripped straight from the pages of Twilight, and then asked— in front of his whole treatment team—if I would do the honor of becoming his wife. The letter was sprinkled with words lurching on that murky line separating reality from insanity. It was sad because in his mind he was really feeling these emotions and didn’t understand why I was turning down his proposal. And it wasn’t just because the ring was cubic zirconia. Although this will be a very significant factor in future, non-institutionalized proposals.
First things first, saying no to the synthetic rock was the ethical thing to do. I mean, the man was under my care and I valued my job. Secondly, he was in the hospital for murdering his mother in a very violent, gruesome manner. They say that before you marry a man you should see how he treats his mother because that’s how he’ll ultimately treat his wife. I think I made my point.
But, the real point I want to make is that he used one of the cheesiest pick-up lines in his letter: “You must be tired because you’ve been running through my dreams all night.” I’m sure you’re familiar. There were numerous others, but they escape me now. I’m giving him a pass because, well, he wasn’t in his right mind; however I take issue with grown, lucid men spewing these absurdities at me.
