Well, I’m back in California, surrounded by family and friends. I’ve got a great family, great friends, nice job, my own place . . . etc., etc., but I’m still lonely.
In less than two weeks I will be thirty-six years old and I’ve come to the realization that I will always be alone. I guess it’s time to accept that fact. People keep saying, don’t give up, you’ll find someone, but I’ve come to realize that isn’t true. Yes, I’d love for someone to come along and prove me wrong, but I know it’s not going to happen. I’ve been told I’m ugly since middle school, that I have no physical features, that I’m too skinny, I’m too this, too that. People made fun of my hair, my clothes . . . even as an adult, guys don’t even take a second glance my way. I’ve come to the realization that I’m just not attractive (and yes that’s really me in my profile picture). I’ve had guys tell me that no one will want me for anything more than sex and that seems to be true. I’ve had PLENTY guys talk to me and try to get in my pants, and when I tell them no, I never hear from them again. I’ve been on every dating site around (Match, Zoosk, eHarmony, Locate Your Love, Yahoo Personals . . . etc., etc.) and nothing. I’ve winked, smiled, sent messages to plenty of men and never get a return message.
It’s hard to accept that you will be alone for the rest of your life. Family just tells me I should adopt a child or just be satisfied that I have nieces. I love my nieces, like they are my own, but they aren’t my own child. I think about adopting, but it’s so hard to be a single parent, and it’s harder to adopt when you’re single and it’s not like I’m a celebrity and make lots of money.
It’s the one thing I’ve always wanted—my own family, some kids, and a husband, but it’s the one thing that has eluded my whole life. I was the girl who didn’t really date in high school, never had a guy ask me to a dance. Even on prom, I actually had a boyfriend, but he refused to go with me (that relationship didn’t last long). I was a pity date. Someone whose date left them said he would go with me, then didn’t want to spend any time with me while there. I’ve tried to always be a nice person; the kind of person who treats people like they want to be treated. I see other woman who are mean, have attitude, and they always have guys. Oh well, I guess now that I have realized it, I just have to accept it and live my lonely life alone . . .
