A popular catch-phrase in defending singlehood is “single and loving it!” While I don’t disagree with the sentiment, I’m not comforted by it, because I get the impression it’s being said through forced enthusiasm in some sort of desperate attempt to justify not having found someone. Why do I get that impression? Because society brainwashes us into believing that being single is living some sort of an incomplete life.
Getting married, having children, buying a house, getting a 401K, and a comfortable retirement are all standard expectations in our world today. It can be reasonably assumed these expectations and standards are in place because they supposedly provide for the most secure lives—and security is happiness, right?
Unfortunately, there are maleficent byproducts of these guideposts: Divorce rates at 50 percent, disjointed families, teen drug use, bankruptcy, corporate layoffs, and a fledgling social security system. The “expected” often-traveled roads have more potholes—and they don’t always appear on the map.
Single folks are not so alone as they’re made out to be. Almost half (43 percent) of Americans age fifteen and older are single… and 54 percent of them are women.
Pushy relatives, the government, the church, and the media all seem to be telling us that we should be partnered with someone, as if there’s some sort of sin in being SINgle.
The government gives tax breaks to married couples and religion tells us the only proper sex is married sex.
Most everyone in their thirties has heard some of the following phrases: “Don’t you want kids? You’re not getting any younger.” “So, when’s a woman gonna make an honest man out of ya? Huh? What are you so afraid of?” “What was wrong with your ex? Nobody’s perfect, ya know.”
Nearly every romantic comedy in history has a happy ending where the protagonist is “rewarded” with a relationship. Even the womanizing cad in these movies deep down really wants to be hitched to the right girl who will come along and put him in his proper place—which is attached to her.
The messages are clearly boiling down to one thing: singlehood is something to be rescued from.
Why is being solo considered so-low?
Single people are vilified, assumed to be selfish. But I argue that marriage makes people more selfish. Families can make people more selfish—sure, equity is great but my kid better get more playing time or yes, I agree our schools should be cleaned up but I’m sending my kid to a private school.
I know plenty of single folk who dedicate their time not to accumulating wealth and gifts to be bestowed on their family, but to those in need. The Big Brothers and Sisters programs throughout the country thrive on single volunteers.
Historically, single people have changed the course of the world. Queen Elizabeth I established and ruled the English empire, Jesus did some pretty impressive things for spirituality and humankind, and Oprah Winfrey—someone who seems to be more popular than both of them combined—has done some pretty amazing things.
Despite the positive contributions single people give society, singledom is still a condition to escape from.
The ever-increasing prevalence of dating sites imparts that they can help us find that mate we’re all searching for. Some guarantee it. (By the way, I’ve read statistics that say 35 percent of people on dating sites are MARRIED!)
Even though this doesn’t usually happen, I say it would do the world a lot more good to exchange a few of those dating sites for Web sites to help keep and maintain current relationships. Where are all the Web sites to help couples stay together? Or do these sites actually prefer to keep us all single? After all, they benefit from more subscribers and tell us our dream date awaits in the pages of their site.
I don’t mind dating sites. They can be a nice alternative to bars. (By the way, I almost wrote “singles” bars here which implies a hint of desperation and immaturity.) Just for clarification, aren’t most bars “single?” Are there married bars? Do they check your driver’s license and your ring finger at the door? Do they close at 9 p.m. so they can get home and put the kids to bed?
Dating sites offer options and options are good. But my problem is that the focus is on the hunt. I say keep working on yourself and accept your singlehood with pride. Even if you don’t find someone, you’re already with someone you want to be with.
There was a “happiness” study I once read about that said right after marriage, a couple’s overall happiness rating increased. Three years later, their happiness was right back to where it was before they were married. Some people were more miserable than when they were alone. They’ve been duped. Being in a relationship is not a panacea for our problems. We can’t believe everything we see in the movies.
My point here is not to denounce marriage or even serious relationships. Some people’s lives are greatly enhanced by their relationships. That’s great. Though many people love chocolate or the New York Yankees, that doesn’t mean everybody does—like diabetic Red Sox fans, for example.
Maybe we should pay tribute to all the non-marriages. But instead of expensive ceremonies, let’s give a congratulatory nod to those who aren’t in a poor relationship with an inattentive spouse, an abusive mate, an unsupportive boyfriend, or a controlling, life-sucking wife.
Singlehood is not just a waiting period to be endured until Mr. or Mrs. Right comes along to save you from your lonely life. It is a time to take advantage of, embrace, and enjoy in its own special way.
Explore the world and yourself. So when “they” say things like “Don’t you want someone who just knows you? Who accepts you for who you are? Who knows your strengths and weaknesses? That special someone who’s in your corner no matter what?” You’ll already have found them.
Well, it’s time, I’m finally ready to make a proposal.
Here goes. I drop to bended knee and with my most sincere look, I say with voice cracking, “You’ve been there for me through thick and thin, good days and bad days, and I want you to know I’m in love with… being single. Will you accept that?”
If you say yes, you’ll make me a very happy (single) man.