She lies in wait, seductively sipping her drink, caressing her mane, and sharpening her claws. Within seconds, she locks eyes with her young, unsuspecting prey. Without warning she strikes, leaving her young prey mystified and defenseless. She is a cougar—the powerful, single (commonly divorced), late forties or early fifties woman with a ravenous sexual appetite who enjoys rendezvous with young men and is completely indifferent to marriage and commitment. Although there are three types of cougars commonly spotted in the dating wild, there are some traits that are common to all cougars.
The cougar is elusive and only comes out at night, darting from bar to bar and hunting her prey. She prefers to spend her days in her corner office, spas, attending to plastic surgery, or shopping with her well-deserved alimony. She has decided that the company of younger men satisfies her desires beyond any man in her tax bracket. Maybe she got bored with her stiff executive husband who traveled too much. Maybe she fell in love once, got burned, and that was enough. Maybe she is incredibly consumed by her own career and can’t be bothered with the expectations society has placed on her. Maybe she has no need for children.
Whatever the case, she isn’t interested in “I do” or “I love you.” She is interested in money, sex, freedom, and men. You’ll recognize her by her wrinkle-free face, perfect breasts, sculpted abs, stiletto heels, and massive ambition. She’s a man-eater.
For centuries we have glorified the bachelor—the single man who has kept his freedom and independence, despite the many advances and attempts by women to change it. GQ, Esquire, and Details write stories in his honor. We worship George Clooney, Bill Maher, Paul Allen, Bruce Wayne, and even Jesus (although that’s speculative) as kings for keeping their single status well into the prime of their lives. Heck, we’ve even named a space after him—the bachelor pad.
Yet, when a woman reaches a certain age, isn’t married, and isn’t even interested in marriage, we scorn and pity her, and think her promiscuous for engaging in relationships with no thoughts of marriage. Enough of that. We should celebrate these women. Create magazines in their honor. Glorify them. Take lessons from them.
To learn more about them, I decided to observe her in her natural habitat. There are three species of cougar:
1. The powerful executive. She's the queen of the jungle, and she's made a very lucrative career for herself. She expects a lot of attention, but rewards it handsomely. In fact, she just expects—from everyone. She has worked hard to create a certain kind of lifestyle of beauty, power, style, and position, and she isn’t about to let any of it go. She’s completely independent and has no need for companionship, unless of course, it’s naked companionship. She hunts her prey very carefully, because this queen cougar has a reputation to uphold.
2. The standard cougar. Her carefree confidence and equally carefree wardrobe let you know she couldn’t give a damn about what society expects her to wear “at her age.” She chooses low cut tops and midriff-revealing tops that show off her belly-button ring. And why shouldn’t she? She’s spent more time in the gym perfecting her shape than most people spend sleeping. She’s earned the right to flaunt it
3. The Euro-coug. A rare species sighting, she is the ex-pat whose hunt for prey has brought her to the Promised Land—and she’s taking every advantage of the jungle. She’s had a more sexually enlightened upbringing—Europe being the motherland of acceptable nudity—so she’s adventurous, to say the least.
All species of cougar will teach their young prey the ways of the world. The young men a cougar craves are naïve to the ways of women—how to treat them, wine them, dine them, and make them feel like the queens they are. Cougars love to mold these young studs into their own perfect male play toys. But, like most wild animals, the cougars tire of raw meat once it loses its flavor, so she leaves the young cub to find a fresh catch. Perhaps the cougar feels she’s spent her life doing what men tell her; now it’s her turn. If men are allowed to set high expectations for what they want from a woman, then women should be allowed to do the same, no matter what their age.
The dens of most cougars are, for the most part, high-end and expensive. She hasn’t remained single, independent, and powerful to end up at Ladies-Drink-For-Free night at the airport HoJo.
