Sixteen Key Questions to Ask
He’s Just Not That into You, the bestseller-turned-movie starring Jennifer Aniston, debunks the obsessive thoughts single women have about hotties who sweep into and out of their lives. The authors go into excruciating detail about the excuses and stories we make up to justify our fantasies about unavailable men. We waste hours and hours thinking and dishing about how, “He’s on a deadline at work,” “He’s out of the country,” or, my personal favorite, “He’s really in the process of leaving his wife.” The authors point out that none of the stories are the reason he doesn’t call, text, or email. The real reason is he’s just not that into you.
The point is that a whole lot of time is spent on defensiveness, self-protection, and daydreaming. And then, after all that wasted time fantasizing and making excuses, surprise, surprise—the dude finally manages to wriggle free and disappear from our lives. Only then does the truth hit us, and often with a wave of heartbreak and pain. Bottom line: love is no simple walk in the park. Often it is hard to trust our instincts and judgment.
How do you know when to fish or cut bait? Just how do you really tell if he is just not into you? Or as I put it: How do you know how to stop wasting time on a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude)?
To help you answer these questions, take this simple quiz adapted from my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. Give your boyfriend one point for each of these sixteen characteristics:
- Eager to see you
- Reluctant to leave you
- Wants regular consistent contact, asks for dates
- Interested in you and your life
- Wants to be helpful
- Is verbally and physically affectionate
- Wants to be romantic and sexual with you
- Texts, emails, or calls regularly
- Acts like you are very special; doesn’t really want to date others
- If you are dating other men—willing to hang in there
- Becoming more attentive and loving over time
- Becoming more open to sharing his feelings and thoughts
- Becoming more open to sharing his living space
- Becoming more open to sharing his social life with friends and family members.
- Saying he loves you
- Saying he wants a future with you
Please be really honest with yourself as you rate your guy. When in doubt, ask your closest friends to help you. If your man has a score of 4 or less, it probably indicates that he is just not that into you. If he gets 5 to 10 points, the dude may have possibilities. 11 or more means he just may be the One. Look for more of these qualities over time to make a clearer assessment.
If your guy has a low score, you do not need to cut him off right away. A simple way to protect yourself from the “he’s just not into you” deadly dating pattern is to also date two other guys by going on what I call the Dating Program of Three. On this program, you do not have sex with any of the men (kissing and canoodling is okay!) in order to avoid the out-of-control infatuation that comes with getting too physically and emotionally involved too soon. You let your main guy and the others know on the second date that you are dating others and “taking things slow.” A guy who really is into you will stay the course and win you.
Bottom line: if you want to find the One, look for a man who provides regular and consistent contact that gets better over time. You should find yourself continually surprised at how he fills your needs to be chosen, appreciated, romanced, and celebrated for who you are. Envision this kind of love and choose guys who are that into you. The Love in 90 Days book has the tools to help you make it all happen. And you deserve it!
By Diana Kirschner, PhD