I’ve always been an avid reader, a lover of words and how people say things. I’m the best listener I know, loving the way people say things. Today I watched Oprah and her interview with Star Jones and many things that she said is exactly how I feel. I’ve been a loner for a long time, sometimes by choice and sometimes not. I have great friends, an awesome family but lately I’ve gotten this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I moved away from my family and friends to a new state so I can try and get ahead financially in life, to look for better opportunities and find all the things that my heart desires. I do have some family where I am and have started dating, but about a month ago I got this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I go out, I meet people, I talk to my friends and family frequently, but I am really feeling lonely and I don’t know what to do about it.
Star Jones talked about how when she lost the weight, guys started hitting on her and she for once in her life felt desired. When she said that I realized that I have never felt like anyone has really ever wanted me. I’m in my early 30s, I’ve had a few long relationships, some one night stands, some good and bad men come in my life, but the one thing I’ve never really felt is that someone has really been in love with me. As I watch my friends get married and have children, I start to wonder what is wrong with me. I’m getting even more … what’s the word. Well, let me just say that I joined a couple dating sites so that I can get out there and meet people, and am getting very frustrated that everyone I’ve winked out, messaged or favorited has not responded to me. Not one! I try and tell myself that it’s okay, that I don’t need them (which I don’t), that there’s someone else out there for me, but when every guy that does wink at me or send me a message is much older or not attractive (to me), I wonder what it is that other people have that I don’t have. I think I’m attractive, I’m in pretty okay shape, I’ve got a great sense of humor and I really do think I’m beautiful inside and out, but there’s something that I’m missing.
I really hate dating … I always have. I never know if I’m saying too much, not saying enough. Should I call the guy after. If he doesn’t call me, should I call him or just forget it (which is what I’ve been doing). Do I kiss on the first date or not? So many things to think about and figure out if there’s chemistry (which I haven’t really felt for anyone that I’ve gone out with). Do I talk about what I want or let things be a mystery. Sometimes I think the date goes great and then I never hear from the guy again. Sometimes I’m not feeling the person at all and then he calls me over and over again.
I was in a really bad relationship for about seven years that really changed me. For as long as we were together, I never felt like he wanted me, that he desired to me. I remember crying myself to sleep many a night praying, hoping, wishing that someone would love me. I know, I know. I need to love myself first, well now I do. I didn’t so much back then, but I really do now. I think I’m a great person, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting someone to love me, to feel desired and wanted … to beat this feeling of loneliness.
