In my head, I’m that woman that stops traffic. You know the one that with a switch of the hips, cars come to a dead stop and with the shake of the head guys come running. In reality, I have never been that girl that guys thought were gorgeous, fine, or irresistible. I’ve always been cute. I’m in my 30s now and I don’t want to be cute anymore, I want to be sexy and alluring and all those other words that make you think of someone like Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry. In my head, I know exactly how to flirt with a guy to make him want me. I know exactly the thing to say to make him want a second, third, or even fourth date. In my head, I’ve got legs as long as a supermodel, a waist that has no fat, and hair that straightens or curls just the way I want it to, but in reality, I’m just me: funny, smart, and cute as a button.
I decided that starting now I would be really, brutally honest with myself and be really honest, but not so brutal with others. I was reading an article the other day about a woman who used the Internet to find the “one.” In the article, she talked about how she dated about one hundred men, sometimes just one date, sometimes a couple dates and how she learned to be honest with herself. I found a little bit of myself in her words. She discussed how she went out on a date with someone, and then received an email saying that although she seemed like a great woman, the guy just didn’t feel that spark that would make him want to take things further. I too, have just received a similar email. She realized, as I have, that although maybe it stung a little bit, she was so thankful for his honesty and vowed to use that same honesty with others.
As much as it hurts for me to receive rejection, it is 100 percent harder for me to reject someone, and I sometimes find myself going on multiple dates trying to figure out how to tell someone I’m not interested. I realize now that it takes more than just hinting around, hoping they get what I’m saying when I’m actually not saying too much. I am learning how to express myself better with words. Although I never think it’s appropriate to be rude to people, I have learned and am still learning that many times being blunt is best. I have gone out with a guy twice and I knew from the first date that there was no chemistry on my end. For me I know there is no chemistry if I do not at all want to kiss you (because honey, I love to kiss) … but when he tried to kiss me, I just turned away and then pecked him on the lips. The second date, the same thing, and I know that I can’t stomach a third date. He’s not even a bad guy, just not for me.
I’m also learning to be honest with my feelings toward myself. I used to tell myself that I was okay with being alone, that I don’t need to ever be in a relationship, but I know in my heart that is a lie. I do want to be with someone, I do want to be loved by someone, I do want to have that closeness, that connection to someone. That is the reason that I decided to post my real picture on my profile, because I didn’t want to hide my true feelings anymore, because in my head and in my reality, I know that honesty will only make me a better person.
