I never thought I’d ever say these words: I am thirty-five and single. Yeah, I said it! Thirty-five. Single. Don’t have kids, and my last date was someone I met on a plane on my way back home from a business trip a couple of weeks ago. We had a real conversation on that two hour flight, by the time we landed, we were making plans to get together that weekend. On the surface, he seemed to have a lot of the qualities I am looking for—he was a good conversationalist, a compassionate soul, and a successful business man.
We go out on our first date: turns out he’s an alcoholic. Need I say more? No thank you, next!
Before you go start feeling sorry for me though, know this: being thirty-five and single (I have decided) is absofreakinfabuloso!
I spent my childhood and teenage years, surviving. No need to get into the details, let’s just say my family has some issues. But then again, whose doesn’t? Anyway, once I graduated high-school, I got as far away from home as I could and I spent my twenties trying to make something of myself.
Goals: Graduate from college with a useful degree so you won’t feel like all your hard work and time was wasted. Gain enough experience while obtaining your degree, so you’ll be able to secure a position prior to graduation, this will allow you to pay off your student loans quickly.
Needless to say, I put myself through college. Depending on the financing I was able to get that semester and my class load, I either worked a part-time or a full time job if necessary. I took out student loans, lived in a modest apartment, and did the best I could to pay cash for everything so I didn’t end up with an overwhelming amount of debt. I was living week-to-week, semester-to-semester—just making it by. My last semester, I bit the bullet. I begged my mom to let me move back home so I could live rent free, and focus on the eighteen credit hours I was trying to carry while also completing my full-time internship requirement. When I filed taxes that year, I remember wondering, How in the world did I pull this off? I had made a whopping annual salary of $7,000 from my “paid” internship that year, and still managed to pay for my car, insurance, books, tuition, food, gas, clothes, etc.
Once I graduated college, my top priority was to find a position that would allow me to live a little, and give me the income to pay off my student loans.
Goals: Prove myself in my chosen field, grow a successful career, be able to command the income to live comfortably and buy a house.
Luckily, right after graduation, I managed to land an entry level position with an organization that relocated me to their corporate headquarters in Louisville, KY. Jackpot!! An increase in pay, a move to a new city, and a new start?! I remember feeling like I was finally getting somewhere.
I could bore you with all the details, bottom line is: I did what I set out to do. I spent ten years in the field that I chose, moved up the ranks, and ended up relocating a couple of more times. First to Raleigh, NC and then back to where I started, Florida.
Along the way, I was involved in several long-term relationships, was asked to marry someone once, and almost accepted. I know I made the right decisions, and those relationships ended for a reason. They were not “the one.” I thought I had time and would eventually find that person that God has picked out for me. I’m not sure if that is still true at this point, but I have faith that God has a plan for me. I would love for his plan to include me getting married. There’s nothing more I could hope for than having a wonderful, healthy, loving marriage and family life. But what if that’s not in his plan for me? What then?
So now that I’m in my thirties, I am trying to do things differently. For starters, I am investing the time doing what I have learned, could have been beneficial for me at an earlier time in my life. I’m asking myself the questions that really matter, not just to be able to survive in this world, but to live a life that has meaning.
Am I happy doing what I am doing? If not, what do I really want to do? If I had to define happiness, what would I say it is for me and what would it look like?
If you’ve never stopped to ask yourself these questions, I encourage you to. They are not easy questions to answer and the more you ponder and search for the answers, the more you start questioning everything!
What I realized in my quest is that I had spent the majority of my life trying to prove something to myself and to others. I had been seeking approval, acceptance, and a sense of belonging. Perhaps because I always felt like I had to be perfect in my family to feel as though I was enough—to feel like I was valued, and worth their attention/affection. I always felt like the outsider, the “black sheep” of the family if you will. But no accomplishment, amount of hard work, or me “trying harder” will ever change their perspective. I’ve had to accept that.
I’ve also had to take off the blinders long enough to realize that I have allowed their view of me to define how I see myself and how I perceive others see me as well.
I’m in my thirties, and this, this is my time! This is the opportunity for me to get to know myself, to understand who I really am, how I want to see myself, and how I want others to see me. To do what I want, and live the life that God had intended for me. To appreciate where I am, what I have, and to enjoy all that life has to offer.
So, for my thirty-fifth birthday, I knocked a big ticket item off of my bucket list. I went to Peru with a good guy friend (no this is not a “fromantic” friend). We had a great time enjoying the food, culture, and visiting Machu Pichu (amazing!). I met people I wouldn’t have ever met otherwise, got some exercise, and I experienced something new, I didn’t feel lonely. You know what I mean? Haven’t you ever been surrounded by people and still felt like you were all alone on that island of hopelessness and isolation, only to realize you had put yourself there?
I think for the first time ever, I didn’t feel that way. I’m not sure what shifted, but I wasn’t on that island anymore, and that was all that mattered to me.
Since then, I have decided to surrender to what it is, in that moment, and make the best of it. I can enjoy where I am in my life—no matter what my expectations or plans may have been, what others are wanting/expecting from me. I have also chosen not to compare my life with the lives of others in my circle of friends. I’ve had to work hard at this one, since I get a baby announcement or engagement announcement about once a week now (Thanks Facebook)!
In this housing market, I was able to buy a townhome on my own. This was something I had always strived for, and I’m pretty proud of that. I share my place with my companion, my dog, Kai—absolutely no room-mates. Welcome to Singleville! Population one and a half (and that is just enough).
This allows me the freedom to enjoy doing what I want, when I want. If I decide to sleep-in until noon, lay around the house all day in my PJ’s and do absolutely nothing, there’s no one there to pass judgment.
If I choose to stay up until 4 a.m. reading a book or watching TV, I’m not bothering anyone. I blare my music, dance in my living room, sing in the shower, walk around naked, cook my favorite meal (this requires clothing), order take out, and challenge myself to see how long I can live off of the food in my pantry without going grocery shopping (it’s a new diet, I lost five pounds, you should try it)! All because I can.
I don’t need to consult anyone or ask their opinion if I want to paint my wall red. I just go to the store, make my purchase, set aside a weekend to paint, and then hire someone to fix the mess I made, and viola! Red wall it is.
Girlfriends call me and say, “Want to go shopping, dancing, to dinner, the beach, to a movie, or spend a weekend in Vegas? I have the luxury to do all or none of the above. Don’t need to ask for anyone’s permission or even make a call to tell anyone what I am going to do/where I am going to be/with whom I am spending my time with. Better yet, I don’t have to worry about what time I need to be back home. So wait up, on second thought ...Vegas, here I come!
My money is for me to do with it what I want. If I decide to drain my bank account satisfying my shoe addiction, then no one to answer to but myself. Being single at thirty-five does indeed have it’s perks, wouldn’t you say?
New Goal: Live a happy purpose filled life, earning a living doing something I am passionate about, in service to others and with gratitude.
