None of us want to drive away a new love with stalker behavior, but sometimes insecurities get the better of us. Sadly, it’s not until after our new love is long gone that we gain enough perspective to see exactly where we went wrong. Lord knows, when we’re in the thick of our obsessive neurosis, we can’t see past the next text—you know the one you think is going to magically turn things around but, of course, never does?
So how can we tell if we’re about to screw up yet another relationship with our old bunny-boiling ways? Heron Free M.Ed, a self-esteem and relationship expert at the Vancouver Centre for Happiness, has come up with a five-point checklist to reference should you feel like you’re on another one-way street to Stalkerville.
If any of the following symptoms sound familiar, it may be time to yank in the reins on your parasitic enthusiasm (see sidebar to find out how). And just to be clear, this article only refers to your garden-variety, non-violent stalking that everyday people fall victim to—not the Fatal Attraction variety. That’s another article and no laughing matter.
1. Over-Thinking Everything
Almost all relationship anxiety starts in our heads. That’s where we start to over-analyze situations and sniff around for things to dwell on. So if you’re in your head a lot, then that’s a pretty good indication you’re just a few smothering moves away from totally sabotaging a new relationship.
“What starts happening is you start panicking, start feeling anxious, start feeling scared, and then you start doing a lot to compensate for that sense of anxiety and fear, and that’s what can push people away,” warns Free. “If you feel calmer and more centered, then you’re not coming on too strong because you’re grounded in your decision-making.”
2. Feeling a Sense of Deja Vu
Is there’s something oddly familiar about the way you’re chasing your new date and the way your new date is retreating? If the answer is yes, you may not be a stalker per se, but you may be unconsciously attracting the same push and pull dynamic in your life over and over again. But keep in mind, recognizing this doomed pattern is only half the battle.
“You might say to yourself, ‘Well, I’m just not going to text them as much and pretend I’m not interested’ or whatever,” says Free. “But it’s not that superficial—it’s deeper. You need to make more of a conscious shift toward a place [where you say to yourself], ‘I’m not interested in this type of dynamic anymore.’”
3. Making Too Many Concessions
“So what if he doesn’t want kids and I do, I have to make this relationship work no matter what.” Saying things like that is a surefire sign that you’re in too deep. If you start throwing away your core values, you’re going to cling that much harder to your new love interest because you have nothing left of your own.
“That’s when you know that you’re being unconsciously pulled,” says Free of giving up too much of yourself. “It’s like a force—you’re basically drunk. You need to hang onto the things that are important to you because it’s actually going to slow you down and keep you more centered.”
4. Constantly Judging Yourself
Thinking that if you lose weight or get a better job, this person might like you more is the stalker’s slippery slope. The more you put yourself down, the less secure you’ll feel in the relationship and eventually those insecurities will manifest into obsessive behavior.
“You’re going to try to stabilize because you don’t feel confident in yourself, which is always a sign that it’s messed up,” says Free. “You’ll try to solidify the dynamic by saying, ‘Okay if I text this guy or girl more and he/she texts me back more, then at least I know it’s safe and I know he/she’s interested.’“ Big mistake.
5. Trading Chemistry for Calmness
The immediate hit of sexual sparks can be so intoxicating that we lose our sense of self -- not that chemistry’s a bad thing, but it should never come at the cost of inner peace. Ergo, if you lose that balance of chemistry and calmness, you might start acting out in ways that drive your new date far, far away.
“When we’re talking about calmness, you don’t have to become a Zen monk,” says Free. “What we’re talking about is the ability just to be able to stop and come within yourself. But as the chemistry increases, we start becoming punch drunk. So even though the chemistry’s really good, on a deeper level, we’re not in alignment and that’s not good.”
Originally published on SingleEdition