As a student of sociology and someone who bores easily, I decided on a whim to set up an online dating account. My most recent relationship ended a few months ago and though I’m not actively looking, I’m not NOT looking either. Actually, in all truthfulness, I wanted to distract myself from my current crush who doesn’t seem to have the same ideals about what constitutes the behavior of the interested.And to keep myself from obsessing on the lack of texts and attention from said crush, I wanted to make sure I have a back-up plan in case I cannot win him over in the long run with my cleverness and determination.
And what I found was five. Five interesting and attractive guys out of a thousand+ that were matched to me. It’s a good thing I’m not really actively seeking the love of my life, because those aren’t the best odds. If you were to take a three-legged dog to the greyhound track, that’s what it would look like.
Mostly what I found were picture-less profiles, guys who were obviously a giant bag of weiners, and “nice enough but boring and/or not attractive.”(Sorry, but I’ve been down that road too many times, it’s bad enough they aren’t attractive, which I don’t entirely mind, but they KNOW they aren’t and are therefore either jealous freaks or super-insecure.) Unfortunately, most fell into the “bag” category. However, I have not laughed that much in a VERY, very long time. And I feel bad for laughing (kinda), but these guys take “trying too hard” to the next level. I know the way that personals are set up you can’t help but be cheesy, but there are ways to soften the blow. Here are a few things I found that can also be used as a cautionary tale for anyone who may at some point set up an online profile.
1. Don’t make impossible demands. If you’re the Jabba the Hutt with the personality to match, you cannot have a supermodel who loves to cook and give hourly massages. Or Leia in a bikini(at least in the long run), but I digress.
2. There exists a miracle of technology called spellcheck, and in lieu of that, a dictionary.
3.If your profile headline is a question, only a question mark makes it so. “Looking to have fun, are you” (Grrr. Double offender. Also see, “Captain Obvious below.”)
4. For the love of all that is holy, do not talk in text speak, aka, “the language of the lazy.” i.e. “Str8 man 4u” (You are not texting, nor are you in a chat room; you have time to spell it out. Show that you can make an effort for goodness’ sake.)
5. Don’t be Captain Obvious.” I love fun,” “I enjoy laughing.” (Oh well, we’d never work. I HATE fun and laughing is the devil’s language.)
6. Do be honest, but don’t wear your broken heart on your sleeve, “Gold-diggers like my ex-wife need not apply.” (Nor do I, moving on..)
One guy did straight-up say “I’m awesome” in his profile header and I give him points for this. Though he had no picture. Sad. Apparently he isn’t awesome enough to either, a) have a camera phone like 99 percent of the world or b) have a digital camera.(Seriously? You can get one for like $30 now)
As for those five guys, I sent them all icebreakers, which alas, is all you can do without subscribing (I’m cheap). But with my winning personality (see above) I hope to have them eating out of my hand in no time.
