Because I write candidly about my experiences with men, some women are fooled into thinking that I have some sort of wisdom to impart. But just like wine, massive consumption doesn’t make you a connoisseur—it just makes you a lush.
If I have any wisdom whatsoever, it is in what not to do. So in an act of generosity to women everywhere, I have compiled my thorough, personal research. The following list is comprised of tried and proven ways to repel men and ensure continued single status. I can personally guarantee they work like a charm.
1. Need a boyfriend.
There is nothing sexier than desperation. Think about when you go into a store. It doesn’t matter if you’re browsing, looking for something specific, walking in with intent to purchase, or simply killing time—there is nothing more welcoming than a sales person with an eagerness that suggests they work solely on commission and you’re the first customer to come in all day.
2. Text/call/email him.
Text him something cute two hours after exchanging numbers. Don’t wait for him. Time’s a wastin’. Rob him of the thrilling experience of trying to woo you. Emasculate him by eagerly suggesting plans rather than allowing him to ask for your company. Make him overly confident, thereby encouraging his laziness, by always being the first to reach out.
3. Don’t take care of yourself.
Rock three inch roots. Sleep an extra ten minutes and throw your hair in a ponytail rather than style it. Wear baggy clothes that don’t flatter you because they’re more comfortable. Your personality will grab him from across the room.
Would you feel better about yourself if you were ten pounds lighter? Chronically thinking and talking about it is just as efficient as losing it. Besides, men can’t pick up on your insecurities.
4. Inspire the world around you.
Put up inspirational quotes on your Facebook page about attitude, opportunities, doors/windows opening/closing, paths, big pictures, or how you have the greatest friends and family sends the sexy message that you’re miserable and trying to talk yourself out of it.
But the books are all correct—manufactured positivity will attract manufactured positivity into your life. And then you two can go have some manufactured orgasms after your manufactured conversation where you shared instant manufactured chemistry.
5. Take advice from those in the same boat.
If you want what someone has, do what they do. This applies to all circumstances in life except dating. When it comes to finding and keeping a man, it is best to consult your fellow single gals struggling with the same challenge.
6. Take what you can get.
Don’t be demanding. Don’t be clear about what you want. Don’t set any standards for yourself and what you expect from a man if he wishes to date you. I mean, you might scare him off. Instead, you take whatever you can get. I can almost guarantee he’ll give you just that.
Or …
7. Lay your cards out while your panties are still on.
Perhaps you’re one that is upfront about what you want and what you expect of him if he wishes to have the pleasure of your company. You don’t want to rush this conversation, so hold off until right before you’re at the point of no return.
The best time to communicate your expectations is precisely in the thirty-second window after your bra has come off and just before your panties hit the floor. Trust me, he’s all ears. And regardless of how extreme your expectations, you’ll be met with total willingness and promised compliance.
8. Think that you are owed something. And react accordingly.
If he asked for your number, took you to dinner, or you chose to sleep with him, then he owes it to you to make you happy and act in accordance with how you wish him to. Any deviation from your wishes simply makes him a complete asshole worthy of frequent public slander.
