I had a weak moment today. I threw myself a pity party right at work, tears and all. It was triggered by a response to an email I sent someone I just met about joining me at an event coming up soon. They declined. Why is this such a big deal? I really wasn’t expecting the response, especially because it seemed like the person didn’t even read the details of the event.
After just barely meeting someone yet they’re already giving you a nickname, calling you “babe” and all that type of stuff, someone who wears a vulnerable heart on their sleeve like me starts to put a lot of weight on that individual and they let me down in such an insignificant way. But I foolishly let them. Why? I asked myself this question most of the morning and didn’t come up with a good enough answer. I know this sounds really silly seeing that I just barely met this person but like I said, when a person is seeming like they really want to get to know you but aren’t really making the time to do so, it kinda hurts. If you’re interested, show interest! If you’re not, then stop playing around and give me the opportunity to meet someone who is really about something please.
That’s not to say that I’m not still doing me in the process. No, I’m not putting THAT much weight into any one person but I don’t necessarily consider myself a serial dater either. I meet people, we may exchange numbers, talk here and there, text here and there but that’s not “dating.” To date would imply someone actually taking me somewhere without me having to offer it up first or just taking me somewhere period which isn’t what’s happening. Also, to date would imply that someone would really be trying to get to know the real me and not just a “Hey, what’s up?” every once in a while. Yet I still ask myself even with that being said, why the hell am I so vulnerable to certain people?
I keep thinking to myself, why aren’t people appreciative anymore? I feel that I have so much to offer someone yet I keep meeting people that want to use me or get a kick out of the attention shown to them rather than showing me the attention back. People are always talking about how they want someone real yet when they get someone real they don’t even know what to do with them. I don’t think people really know what being REAL means. It’s like the word “love,” people just throw it around because they hear others say it and it sounds good. I don’t have a self-esteem issue nor am I looking for someone to “complete” me because I feel complete (somewhat) … yet in a sense we are all kinda incomplete because we’re all always searching for that missing puzzle piece in our life whether it’s a mate, a better career or religion…we all want and need something to improve our lives just that much.
Though there’s always room for improvement, I really love myself. I love my body, my life style, the direction that my life is heading but I’d like someone to share all these wonderful things with. There’s no “void” to fill. I think I’m the average single female looking for the average single female things. I want someone to compliment me…be the yin to my yang. I think I’m cute on most days, pretty on a good day and beautiful on a great day…I’m smart, ambitious, honest, funny, adventurous, and sometimes overly loving and I think that’s the part that people take advantage of the most. Men seem to sniff it out…they’re like dogs and I don’t mean to say that men ARE dogs (like some women say) but I mean … they’re like dogs! They can smell fear and prey on it, use it to their advantage, eat you up and toss you aside like an old chew toy. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how I keep coming across people like this. In every other aspect of my life I feel like I’m stronger than most and honestly, sometimes it’s a front but you gotta fake it til you make it right? Wrong, because when it comes to the subject of love, I’m like a wet ass noodle. I’m falling and flopping all over the place, waiting for someone to sauce me over, eat me up, and basically sh*t me out. It’s a sad existence.
