Flaccid Results
Dear 4-Way,
I’ve been dating this great guy for about a month now and I really like him. We see each other about twice a week, we spent New Year’s Eve together, and we talk about every other day, so it’s more than just casual. He told me he wants to take the physical part slowly and get to know me. I thought, wow…so nice to finally date a mature man! The problem is, he’s taking it so slowly I feel he’s not attracted to me because he’s not trying much. I did the “cop-a-feel” thing once, and I think that’s the only time he’s been aroused around me, and I wasn’t even sure it was at full attention, either. Recently, we were at a costume party and I was dressed as a rocker (I looked like a hooker) and I think that turned him on.
I’ve been wondering, could he have erectile dysfunction? Is it his age—forty-seven? Why isn’t he bringing this up (no pun intended)? Lately, I’ve been expressing myself to him and he’s been pulling away. Finally, I asked, “When are we going to have sex?” His reply was “soon”—not encouraging. He continues to take me to nice places and says he really likes me, but he’s not showing his affection. In fact, when we kiss, he pulls away first. I think he’s self-sabotaging the relationship because his heart’s not open and doesn’t want to bring up the lack of arousal…..or could he be gay? Or, could he just not be that into me? Then I think, forty-seven, never been married, or been to therapy… should I run?
I guess my question is how do you bring up why a guy isn’t getting aroused?—Sincerely Frustrated
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
Of the four of us, I will go out on a limb here and say that I've had the least amount of “hands-on” experience in matters of the penis.
That being said, a woman on a date with another woman has to assess the other’s arousal level too, and we don’t have such obvious markers, but there are other ways.
You mention that you’ve been expressing yourself to him, yet perhaps you need to find an alternative mode of expression—like talking and really listening to him. He’s obviously got a story to tell and he is either not comfortable enough with himself or with you to share it yet.
Remember, people have two ears and one mouth. Therefore, we should listen twice as much as we speak. Slow down, breath and really listen to this guy—not just his words but his beliefs, feelings, and his spirit.
I am sure that the penis can be quite fun, but take the focus off that for a while and see what else pops up for you.
The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
He’s obviously into you since you’re getting a lot of face-time and scored the most primo of the prime time date holidays. So I think you’re secure on that front.
It would be the understatement of the century to say that men think about sex differently than women do. I think a lot of guys would have trouble keeping their pants zipped if you expressed even the most casual interest in having sex with them while wearing a sexy rocker/hooker outfit—regardless of whether he was into you. Clearly, he’s got an issue and it doesn’t seem to be that he doesn’t like you.
My (sometimes questionable) experience with men has been that they don’t like to talk about their problems, for fear of potentially looking weak, and that they don’t like to discuss feelings because focusing on emotion makes them go all deer-in-the-headlights. It seems that whatever is at the root of this problem is going to fall into one of these categories so I think you’re going to have to initiate (again) what every man fears: a conversation. (Horror of horrors!)
