Dear 4-Way,
I’m a single woman in my late thirties, which means I’ve been dating for about twenty years. Over the past few years or so, I’ve noticed that when men ask me out, they expect me to pay for half of the date. I’m all for offering to chip in on later dates, but I’ve kind of always gone by the rule that for a first date, the asker does the paying. Am I being ridiculously old-fashioned? Does it mean something if they ask me if I want to split the bill with them—perhaps they’ve already decided I’m not worthy of a second date? If I ask a man to have drinks or dinner with me, I expect and intend to pay, though about 75 percent of the time, he won’t let me and he ends up paying. I have girlfriends who are more rigid about this than me; they never offer to pay. Who’s right?—DR, Austin, Texas
The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
Twenty years of marriage and you get china. Twenty years of dating and you can’t even get Chinese food without paying your half of the bill. Dim sum tough facts, DR.
You’re correct and I agree, the asker should pay for the whole meal and the askee should offer. If the guy wants to go Dutch without telling you so beforehand, tell him to go on a long walk in wooden clogs.
It reflects well on you that you offer to pay and you deserve a guy who appreciates this. By comparison your friends who NEVER even OFFER to pay, well, they should get used to being single with rules like that.
If a guy can’t afford to pay for a whole dinner, then he shouldn’t ask you to dinner. There are less expensive dating options: drinks, coffee, a hike. It requires a little more thought, but these options are just as viable as a dinner date. After all, food is the way to a man’s heart, not a woman’s, right?
So, DR, you deserve a guy who asks you to dinner and holds up his end of the deal and pays. When he does, I suggest you buy him an after-dinner drink if the date continues. This isn’t necessary but I think it’s endearing, fair, and respectful.
In the future, if a guy asks you out to dinner but asks you to pay half, then YOU can consider him unworthy for a second date.
Fortune cookie say: if guy ask you to foot the bill, you know where to put other foot.
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
Picture this, two lesbian women are out on a date. Who pays? Or worse, is it a date, or is it just a friend thing? Talk about confusing! Be glad that this is an issue you don’t have to deal with. And yet I find myself offering you the same advice that I would to anyone, regardless of her/his sexual identity. Who is right? Everyone and no one. Just because you have a rule about the first date and who does the paying doesn’t mean that it’s a universal rule, or even a golden one.
You have your standards and that’s fine, but he may have a different approach. So I wouldn’t let my self-worth get caught up in who pays. Would you only pay for the guy if you find that you like him? I hope not. I suppose tradition lends itself to the man paying, but most folks I know only see that world when watching classic movies. Honey, this ain’t Casablanca. And unless you are sitting across the table from Humphrey Bogart’s ghost, let your traditional ideas of who pays be “gone with the wind.”
And by the way, next time I am in Austin, I would love to take you out for lunch. No, it wouldn’t be a date. And as for who pays, this one is on me.
