Dear 4-Way,
From your perspective, is there ever a good time to “break up” with someone? I’m thinking of doing it now, but I know she has a two-day sailing event she’s really excited about this weekend. No need to poop on it, I figure. If you don’t feel like being naked with someone again, I think that answers the question for you.—BN, San Francisco, CA
The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
When’s a good time to break up with someone? Before they break up with you… that way, you win!
No, seriously there’s never really a good time. Yes, there are definitely bad times to break up with someone: a death in their family, after she’s told you she’s pregnant, after he’s moved halfway across the country to be by you. Not good times. But worse than all of these is to want to break up but wait too long for the “perfect moment” to do so. The only “perfect” moment to take the train to Splitsville is the moment you know you need to break up.
There’s a Neil Sedaka song called “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” and that’s true. I really like his original, elongated version of the song “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do… but Dragging It On and Putting Off the Inevitable is Excruciatingly Hard to Do.” Too bad that title was too long for the record label.
For both parties’ sake, do it as soon as you know and let everyone move on. You’re not doing anyone any favors by putting off the inevitable. Let her sail off without you. There are other fish in the sea.
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
My friend, if I understand you correctly, your main reason for breaking up with this gal is because you don’t want to sleep with her at the current moment. Wow, I hope that I don’t ever have to date your sister. Excuse me for saying this, but how shallow!
Let me reverse the scenario for you. Do you want to date everyone you lust after? I don’t know about you, but I have found myself drawn towards some luscious lady “eye candy,” but I wouldn’t necessarily want to date them all. Keep in mind that I said date, not sleep with. News flash, sleeping with someone and dating are not necessarily synonymous. (That’s a whole other column.)
I wish I knew how long you have been “getting naked” with this woman. I would have to believe that you have been seeing her for a while, because you don’t need to break-up with a one-night stand. In a dating relationship, after that initial physical intimacy period, the “let’s have sex at every possible moment” phase morphs into a less frenzied pace. You get to know one another. And some of the things that you learn about your partner may turn you off. But I encourage you to stay with it and work through the tough stuff. Although new relationship sex is wonderful, longer term connections and passions can take you to new heights.
So go cheer her on as she sails off into the sunset, but don’t let that be the end. Unless of course she is just a nasty bitch, then, dump her now.
The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox
What are you going to accomplish by breaking up with her just before she goes out of town? Nothing! You’re not only going to ruin her trip, but also end up looking like a complete ass to all her friends who you may have a remote chance of hooking up with in the future. You’ll be dubbed the jackass. Even worse, if you break up with her just before she goes out of town, you’re not going to see or hear from her for a while and you’ll end up second guessing your decision because you’ll think she’s moved on. Do you really want to feel worse than you already do?
