Recovering from First Date Sex: The 4-Way

Dear 4-Way,

I recently went out with a man I met online. We met for a drink first, and we hit it off, so we decided to extend our date and go to dinner too. We had a great connection and we made each other laugh. I was also very attracted to him physically, and I could tell that he felt the same about me. We ended up back at my house for a glass of wine, and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so we slept together. On the first date! I really like this guy and I’m worried that sleeping with him means it’s over, that this relationship will go nowhere. Do you think there’s a chance it can work?—BG, Chicago, Illinois

The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer

Is there a chance that the two of you can work? In your past relationships, could you tell if things were “going to work” after one date? Whether you’ve slept with the guy or not, it’s too soon to tell where it will go from here.

It seems to me that you’re feeling remorse or guilt about jumping into bed with this guy on date one. What I’ve learned from Chris, our wonderful resident 4-Way straight guy, is that sex is all that some guys “come” for and he should now be looking for a new conquest. I think that you two working out depends on several things: 1) The personality and actions of the guy. If he’s a jerk, he’ll be ready to move on, and then you don’t really want him anyway; 2) The quality of the connection over time; 3) You getting over your first-date sex guilt; 4) The phase of the moon (fate).

So is there a chance this can work? Sure. Is there a chance that I will date men?

Sure, but it’s not likely because it’s not what I want. My point here is that if you want to continue to get to know this guy, you have to change some of your thinking. There are people who have slept together on a first date who have stayed together. You and this guy could fall into this category, regardless of your past history or what people may tell you. If you want to continue, make it clear to him that you’re interested in seeing him more and in sharing more than physical intimacy and you have a fighting chance.

The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox

BG, since there’s a little lag time between the time we receive a question and the time we answer it, I’ll bet this one has already worked itself out. But let’s pretend it hasn’t, just for shits and giggles. So now you’re worried that he won’t call you, that he doesn’t respect you, that he thinks you may be the town whore and he should head for the hills before the red light above your door burns out.

Here’s the deal, sweetie, you liked the guy and he liked you, you slept together. It happens—all the time. Is this your first time to let this happen? Do it again. All I’m saying is, if you like him and he likes you, then I don’t see a reason why you shouldn’t go for it if the mood is right. The sex will be passionate—or maybe it’ll be shitty and you’ll know whether you want to move forward with the relationship. If it’s meant to work out, it will. If it isn’t, it won’t. And if it wasn’t ever there to begin with and you were just doing him because you were bored and it was Wednesday then maybe you are the town whore and you should seek help. I’m kidding! Stop beating yourself up about it and be happy that you learned something more about yourself through the process.

15 readers liked this story.
From Around the Web:
02.26.2009
Tina
It's really nice to hear that most of the people that responded that after having sex on the first date have either married or are in a long term relationship with that person. I wish my experiences had been the same. I too have met a couple of men on line that when I met him and everything was going great and we had a physical attraction as well as being comfortable wih each other, we ended up having sex. My experience was totallly different, I did not hear from them again. Most of my friends as well as myself, believe that having sex on the first date really isn't the way to go. I wish you luck and hope that it is different for you.
01.06.2009
wildcatmom1965
Hey, just wanted to say that on the first date with my now boyfriend of 3 years we had the most wonderful sex you can imagine. I never thought I would see or hear from him again, but he did call, he did come back and we have been together for almost 3 years now.............he was my second chance at life - a life I never imagined I could have............I love him for what he is, what he has brought out in me and what we are together. Never feel guilt - you only get one shot at this life........LIVE IT! No regrets.
10.22.2008
Colton Delaney
I think the guy woke up the next day and was rather pleased with himself. If he dates alot he probably will keep you in the file under "a good time" he may very well have had a great time with you, but he is wondering deep down if you have sex with every guy on the first date? If this feeling is new for you after a first date then trust it and convey to him somehow ,if he calls back ,that he was special and you were kind of new to first date sex. I have had first date sex and she more often than not turned out to be a bad choice in the end. Most guys have had first date sex, but the girl who makes you wait is the one you seek. most guys have easy girls we hook up with when we need sex. when we are dating we are looking for someone to trust ,a friend, a girlfriend, We have all had women that we liked but when we became predictable and were treating her well or maybe god forbid we brought her flowers after our first date sex its probably all over for him. what makes you tick?
09.28.2008
Sonny
As a guy, I'd say you're off to a great start, but who knows after that? I'd say you have better than 50/50chance, but you never know for sure do you? Keep us posted!
07.07.2008
ToniKet
I slept with a guy on the first date. I had never done it before, it was very out of character for me. We're married now. So in my case it worked! And really, ours wasn't a date - it was the night we met, through a friend. We had already set up our first date and I knew there was something special there before we slept together. However - I definitely had my fears that he'd never call!
It feels good to write.

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