Dear 4-Way,
I recently went out with a man I met online. We met for a drink first, and we hit it off, so we decided to extend our date and go to dinner too. We had a great connection and we made each other laugh. I was also very attracted to him physically, and I could tell that he felt the same about me. We ended up back at my house for a glass of wine, and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so we slept together. On the first date! I really like this guy and I’m worried that sleeping with him means it’s over, that this relationship will go nowhere. Do you think there’s a chance it can work?—BG, Chicago, Illinois
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
Is there a chance that the two of you can work? In your past relationships, could you tell if things were “going to work” after one date? Whether you’ve slept with the guy or not, it’s too soon to tell where it will go from here.
It seems to me that you’re feeling remorse or guilt about jumping into bed with this guy on date one. What I’ve learned from Chris, our wonderful resident 4-Way straight guy, is that sex is all that some guys “come” for and he should now be looking for a new conquest. I think that you two working out depends on several things: 1) The personality and actions of the guy. If he’s a jerk, he’ll be ready to move on, and then you don’t really want him anyway; 2) The quality of the connection over time; 3) You getting over your first-date sex guilt; 4) The phase of the moon (fate).
So is there a chance this can work? Sure. Is there a chance that I will date men?
Sure, but it’s not likely because it’s not what I want. My point here is that if you want to continue to get to know this guy, you have to change some of your thinking. There are people who have slept together on a first date who have stayed together. You and this guy could fall into this category, regardless of your past history or what people may tell you. If you want to continue, make it clear to him that you’re interested in seeing him more and in sharing more than physical intimacy and you have a fighting chance.
The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox
BG, since there’s a little lag time between the time we receive a question and the time we answer it, I’ll bet this one has already worked itself out. But let’s pretend it hasn’t, just for shits and giggles. So now you’re worried that he won’t call you, that he doesn’t respect you, that he thinks you may be the town whore and he should head for the hills before the red light above your door burns out.
Here’s the deal, sweetie, you liked the guy and he liked you, you slept together. It happens—all the time. Is this your first time to let this happen? Do it again. All I’m saying is, if you like him and he likes you, then I don’t see a reason why you shouldn’t go for it if the mood is right. The sex will be passionate—or maybe it’ll be shitty and you’ll know whether you want to move forward with the relationship. If it’s meant to work out, it will. If it isn’t, it won’t. And if it wasn’t ever there to begin with and you were just doing him because you were bored and it was Wednesday then maybe you are the town whore and you should seek help. I’m kidding! Stop beating yourself up about it and be happy that you learned something more about yourself through the process.
