Dear 4-Way,
I’ve been dating someone for about four months. She’s really nice and I’ve never felt this comfortable around anyone before. We also have great sex. The problem is that I don’t feel that “thing” for her—there’s no fire or passion; my heart doesn’t skip a beat when she walks into the room. While I think she’s a really nice woman—she’s treated me better than anyone I’ve ever dated—I’m confused about whether to stay with her or not since I don’t have those feelings. I know that passion and fire fade into friendship eventually, but shouldn’t you at least have that in the beginning? I feel like a bitch for even considering breaking up with such a great girl.—Confused, New Orleans, Louisiana
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
I hear you LOUD and CLEAR on this one! And here’s what I’ve learned about all that heart skipping a beat jazz: it usually leads to Trouble. (Note the capital T.) When your heart’s skipping beats and your head’s in the clouds, it’s because you’re crushed out and lovesick, not in love.
How have your past fiery, passionate relationships ended up? For me, this over-the-top fiery feeling is warning sign that I’m not seeing the real person.
So let’s go down the checklist for a quality, serious relationship: the person treats you well and respects you; the sex is usually hot; the person is nice, kind, and grounded and comfortable in her own skin; she likes your company and who you are; you have common values and you “get” one another; she’s actually physically and emotionally available; and she’s self- supportive and the timing is right. Add a little fairy dust in there and you could just have a great partner!
I’m assuming that you’re both women, since you said that you feel like a bitch as opposed to a bastard for considering a break-up. So I’ll add another item to the check list: you’re both comfortable with your orientation and how you share that with the world. If one is out and the other isn’t, that’s a major issue.
All that being said, I do think it is possible to have a bunch of check marks and feel the heat when she walks into a room, but for some that takes time; you grow to feel that way. For others, it seems to ignite instantaneously. You have a lot of good things going here, lady, so hold on loosely and don’t let go. See what develops.
The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
You say you have great sex but there’s no spark? Doesn’t make sense to me. Hmm. Okay, well, anyway, you’re looking for fire. As the saying goes, you play with fire and you can get burned. You probably know this because any fiery relationships you’ve had in the past flamed out. So now what do you want? You want to keep going down that fiery road or do you want to try something new?
It seems like you have that new opportunity now. Are you not satisfied with someone who treats you well and with whom you have great sex? If you’re looking for something more, then yes, get out and let this great girl keep her respect. If you’re considering breaking up with her and are complaining about the lack of passion now, I don’t see you getting any happier with the relationship until you decide that maybe some good things will come from a caring, kind partner. Perhaps you don’t really want someone who treats you well—you’d rather have someone you have that fire with. Someone who keeps you uncomfortable and on edge. ‘Tis a little masochistic. Dare I say you’re a bit of a relationship arsonist. Good luck with your decision. Just make sure to save your partner before you burn down this relationship.
