Dear 4-Way,
About three months ago, a man I really like ended our six-month relationship. Aside from all the normal bad stuff that comes with a breakup, I also had to deal with the stupid detail of us being friends on Facebook. This may not sound like a big deal, but for a while, whenever I logged on and saw that he’d gotten a new friend who was female, or had exchanged wall correspondence with any woman I didn’t know, it drove me nuts. Like many people, I’m on Facebook all the time, and I just didn’t want to know all those things about him—it made my head spin wondering who those women were and it hurt too much. Now that I’m casually dating again, I’ve been getting Facebook invitations from some of the guys I’ve been on one and two dates with—guys I barely know. I do like a couple of them and want to go out with them again, but I’m just feeling cautious about accepting friend invitations too soon. Any advice for how to handle this graciously?—RK, Atlanta, Georgia
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
RK, you present a couple of different Facebook issues here. First of all, de-friend this guy from your Facebook page today. You’re making yourself nuts. No good can come of you being a voyeur of his life. I know that it will be a challenge to do, but if you’re really ready to put your feet into the dating pool, you need to get out of his face.
I find it interesting that you asked us for advice on how to handle things “graciously.” Seems like what you need here isn’t so much grace as it is self-compassion. Are you really ready to date? Have your truly dealt with all the hurt feelings you have inside you from this last break-up? Sounds like there’s some more stuff to feel and then release here.
I understand your desire to be cautious about dating again—no one wants to get hurt. But if your first thoughts are that it’s too soon and that you may get hurt, you’re officially not ready.
Don’t go on Facebook so often. Fill your life with things you’re passionate about. Cry some more if you need to. Get mad. Exercise, hang out with friends, read, dream, or draw.
When you begin to wonder what fun things you can do with a new guy in your life, don’t just look on Facebook for guys. There are actual real guys all around you. When you’re ready, try smiling at one.
The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
Remember how we used to check up on our crushes and exes in the good old days? When we wanted to see what someone was up to, we just did a good old-fashioned drive-by past his house. (Oh, please! Don’t act like you’ve never done it!) With cell phones, email, Skype, Facebook, and other social media sites, now we can do a virtual drive-by pretty much anytime we want, which, as you mentioned, kind of sucks because you just never know what you’ll find when you do a drive-by on someone’s Facebook profile.
I think you’re smart to hold off on being any of these guys’ friend immediately. I have a rule for my Facebook friends: is the potential friend in question someone that I’d feel comfortable inviting out to a real-life dinner or party with a group of my friends? I think you should use this screening process for anyone who tries to befriend you, not just potential boyfriends. For example, would it be awkward to have that random person you never talked to who sat two rows behind you in Algebra I and Algebra II twenty years ago hanging out with the people you genuinely call friends? Likewise, would you normally introduce a man to all your friends after only one or two dates, either in the real world or on Facebook? Probably not.
