Dear 4-Way,
I recently started hanging out again with a woman I used to date. We mutually decided that we wanted to be friends—nothing more. I really enjoy spending time with her and I know she feels the same. My problem is that when she mentions other women she’s gone on dates with or is interested in, I feel jealous, and that confuses me. Do these feelings of jealousy mean I still have more-than-friendship feelings for her? If so, should I still hang out with her? I thought my romantic feelings were gone, but I can’t imagine what else would be causing me to feel jealous. Any thoughts?—BJ, San Francisco, CA
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
Friends and nothing more. Hmmmm. In my life, there is nothing more important than friendships.
BJ, there are many kinds of love: romantic, family, and friends. Don’t trivialize the deep feelings that come along with friendship. Just because you’re not attracted to one another doesn’t mean that you don’t value the connection and want to spend time together.
As for the jealousy thing (evil monster that it is), friendship jealousy is real. I’ve been jealous of my straight and gay guy friends when they start dating someone and we spend less time together. Does that mean that I want to date these guys? I really don’t think so. Yet there’s a deep intimacy I have with my friends—men and women alike—and when they go off and form bonds with others, it can be tough.
I wonder what else you have going on in your life? If you’re single and she’s dating, I can see where issues could arise. I don’t know how long you dated, how close the two of you are, or if you were friends first. But I do know that when you date, you spend a lot of time together. Knowing that she’s doing that with someone other than you can make you feel your loneliness even more, especially when you add in the fact that in the lesbian world, we seem to have a tough time differentiating friendship-intimacy from lover-intimacy.
This is what I’ve learned: If you lead a life where you have good friends (not just her) who love and support you, not only will your jealousy subside, but you will have a pretty darn good life.
The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
This is exactly why I think being friends is (usually) a bad, bad idea. Each person generally has a different agenda for what she wants to happen post-breakup. The ender of the relationship usually thinks being friends is the greatest thing since Splenda or the hybrid car; she gets all the benefits of friendship without having to deal with any of the relationship drama.
The breakup-ee, on the other hand, wants to be friends because, whether she wants to admit it or not, she secretly hopes that the other person will fall madly in love with her after finally—finally!—understanding that lasting relationships really are built on friendship. Who needs attraction? Chemistry, shmemistry!
Bringing together two different people with such different goals can be disastrous. Notice that I said “can” be; it isn’t always. I do think it’s possible to be genuine friends, but enough time has to pass between the breakup and the inception of the friends phase so that any raw feelings of pain or anger have passed.
I think these types of friendships are filled with lots of awkward firsts—the first time you get together, that she mentions dating someone else, or that you do the awkward hug goodbye instead of the kiss goodbye will all be weird—but that doesn’t mean you can’t get past them. Maybe you’re still in one of these awkward first phases right now. Give it some time. If the jealous feelings don’t go away, yes, you may still have feelings for her. You could also just be nursing a damaged ego because you aren’t the one she’s excited about anymore. Give it some time, give her a chance, and see what happens.
