Dear 4-Way,
I’ve been dating a wonderful man for about eight months. Things are going great in every possible way—he’s kind, honest, smart, funny, a fantastic communicator, and he treats me like gold. He was married before, but his wife was killed in a car accident about three years ago. The only problem we have is that he still talks about his wife—a lot. Nothing heavy, just a lot of dropping her name: “Halloween was J’s favorite holiday,” or “J used to love these little chocolates.” I’ve tried to be patient, because I have no idea how difficult it must’ve been and probably still is. But I’m wondering if he’ll ever truly be over her. (I’m not the first relationship he’s had since her death.) He saw a therapist for a long time, but has told me that he feels ready to move on with his life. If we stay together, I know that she’ll always be a presence in our life to some degree, and I’m fine with that because they truly loved each other. I just wonder if I’m being selfish to wish that her presence would be less. Any advice on this entire situation is much appreciated.—KK, Seattle, Washington
The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
This is a rock and a hard place situation … and this hard place is the gravestone of his dead wife.
On one hand, it is proper that he has genuine feelings for the woman he loved and was married to. On the other hand, he needs to be able to set those feelings aside and move on and make you feel like you’re number one in his life now. That can’t be easy to do, but that’s really his only choice if he does want to progress with you.
I feel for both you. You’re not being selfish. No one wants to date someone who’s still hung up on an ex, especially in your case where the relationship wasn’t ended by anyone’s choice. Plus you probably feel like you’d rather have not fallen for someone who’s in this situation. But you chose to and knew what you were getting into, so this is what you’ll have to work through.
You say he treats you like gold—that’s a good sign. He’s been through therapy, which means he’s making efforts to move on. I wouldn’t expect it to happen abruptly.
He probably will never stop talking about her, but his mentions of her, over time, should decrease. So I’d say the future looks promising.
You’re going to have to help him through this process and that means mentioning that while you understand how hard it is for him, it’s also hard for you. That awareness should help him realize when he should just keep those thoughts to himself and be good to you. (Just a thought: you might suggest that you honor her once a year on her death and then try not to mention it again the rest of the year.)
His dead wife is the woman of his past; you are the woman of his present. And if you two can work through this, you’ll be the woman of his future.
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
Selfish is not always a dirty word, and in your case, I don’t even see your wish as a selfish one. Looking at this situation together will actually strengthen your relationship as a couple.
He may have had therapy for his loss, but it sounds like couple’s therapy may be in order. I can’t say if he’s talking about his ex-wife too much, but it’s clearly too much for you. And if you hold onto this feeling for too long, it will affect your relationship.
If he really is as wonderful as you say he is, and as good a communicator, it’s time to communicate. I know this is a tough subject, which is why I suggest involving a relationship counselor or therapist.
