Dear 4-Way,
My boyfriend and I have started to talk about moving in together. I love him and am open to the idea, but I’ve noticed a few things unrelated to our relationship that are making me hesitate. First, he’s a big slob, and I’m not talking about just an unmade bed and some dirty dishes. Piles of papers, books, magazines, etc. are stacked all over his floor and his entire house is filthy. He claims not to know how to make a bed or clean a bathroom (even though I’ve repeatedly shown him), and I’ve never seen him dust or sweep. When I spend the night at his house, I always have to clean the bathroom just to use it. Also, I always cook dinner for us, but he’s never once made a single meal for me/us in over a year, even when I was sick. Are these things worth worrying about when you truly love someone? Can they be taught or should I just forget about moving in?—TB, Denver, Colorado
The Straight Man’s Perspective: Chris Kennedy
First off, I disagree with your statement that his lack of cleanliness, disorganization, and general laziness to do simple household chores are not related to your relationship. They absolutely are.
You’re not okay with these things or you wouldn’t be writing us. You’re also not okay with him not making a single meal, even when you were sick. And I don’t blame you. He sounds lazy and stupid. He actually says he doesn’t know how to clean or make a bed? Is he six-years-old? Does he have a racecar bed?
Don’t enable his laziness in your relationship. He doesn’t do things because he knows you’ll end up doing them for him anyway. Why would he do the work when you’ll do it for him? He can do nothing and you still love him. What a deal for a man-child!
Do you truly love him? It sounds like he may be inconsiderate. You definitely need to clear the air—and from the sound of it—a place to sit down to talk about your expectations of him if you move in together.
That said, he’s comfortable in his less-than-clean surroundings. Men aren’t as tidy as women and his mess doesn’t bug him as much as it bugs you. This guy is probably not going to change his ways much … at least not to the point you’d like him to. He’ll never do an equal amount of work—you’d probably be lucky to get him to do 10 percent. Are you okay with that or will you carry around a grudge? Find the answer. Because if you make his bed, you’ve also got to lie in it.
The Gay Man’s Perspective: Darren Maddox
What is this guy, a caveman? Here’s my question for you, TB: what little boy is not taught to pick up after himself and make his bed? To claim he doesn’t “know how” is bullshit! Everyone knows how to make up a bed. If he has problems learning how, I’d bet he could find an instructional video on YouTube. They also probably even have a video or two on how to clean a bathroom.
I would caution you to think long and hard about moving in with this cat until you see significant signs of improvement for a lengthy period of time. Otherwise, you might as well count on a life of servitude. The bottom line here is this: yes, these things can be taught and they usually are—at a very young age. Don’t fall for this for a minute. He knows how, he’s probably just seeing if you’ll do it for him and for how long. If you really want to test the waters, tell him you’re going to start staying at your house more because it’s clean, and because he’s a slob and you can’t take being at his place. Then when he comes to your house, make him pick up after himself. Good luck with that one.
