Dear 4-Way,
My boyfriend is divorced and he shares equal custody of his five-year-old son with his ex-wife. They had an amicable divorce, but now I’m wondering if they’re a little too close; often when she drops him off, he invites her in to have dinner or watch a movie with us … and she accepts. Of the three or four days/nights a week he has his son, she usually ends up spending time with us in some way on about half of those days. Is this normal? I’m all for keeping a friendly relationship going for the benefit of their son, but this feels like a lot to me.—MW, San Francisco, CA
The Straight Man’s Perspective: Chris Kennedy
You have chosen to date someone with a five-year-old son and an ex-wife. There’s going to be baggage no matter what.
As far as amicable divorces go, this one seems pretty good. You have to be flexible on your expectations of what “normal” is in a divorce. I don’t know if it exists. I do know the most important person in this equation is the innocent party who didn’t get to choose any of this—your boyfriend’s son. The rest of you are adults who put yourselves in this position.
You seem to be handling it well and I can’t imagine not feeling uncomfortable about this arrangement. It seems a bit much to have her stay for dinner and/or watch a movie two nights a week.
You have a right to ask your boyfriend to reduce the number of times, to one night a week or once every two weeks, but it sounds like you don’t have a real large say in all this. And you do risk looking like a bitch, so be mindful of your words.
You could mention that though it’s necessary for the son’s mental health to see that his parents get along enough to hang out, it could also be a bit confusing for him to see his mom and dad together with you watching movies and having dinners so often.
