Dear 4-Way,
My boyfriend is divorced and he shares equal custody of his five-year-old son with his ex-wife. They had an amicable divorce, but now I’m wondering if they’re a little too close; often when she drops him off, he invites her in to have dinner or watch a movie with us … and she accepts. Of the three or four days/nights a week he has his son, she usually ends up spending time with us in some way on about half of those days. Is this normal? I’m all for keeping a friendly relationship going for the benefit of their son, but this feels like a lot to me.—MW, San Francisco, CA
The Straight Man’s Perspective: Chris Kennedy
You have chosen to date someone with a five-year-old son and an ex-wife. There’s going to be baggage no matter what.
As far as amicable divorces go, this one seems pretty good. You have to be flexible on your expectations of what “normal” is in a divorce. I don’t know if it exists. I do know the most important person in this equation is the innocent party who didn’t get to choose any of this—your boyfriend’s son. The rest of you are adults who put yourselves in this position.
You seem to be handling it well and I can’t imagine not feeling uncomfortable about this arrangement. It seems a bit much to have her stay for dinner and/or watch a movie two nights a week.
You have a right to ask your boyfriend to reduce the number of times, to one night a week or once every two weeks, but it sounds like you don’t have a real large say in all this. And you do risk looking like a bitch, so be mindful of your words.
You could mention that though it’s necessary for the son’s mental health to see that his parents get along enough to hang out, it could also be a bit confusing for him to see his mom and dad together with you watching movies and having dinners so often.
Do your boyfriend and his ex still have a candle burning for one other? If so, that’s obviously a problem that needs to get resolved. If they are truly friendly and amicable, then perhaps the ex-wife can back off a bit without feeling hurt or shortchanged and understand that it’s negatively affecting your relationship with your boyfriend.
I believe all couples need to do the best job with their unique situation and I believe you two need to set up the rules of conduct that works best for you and what’s best for the son.
If you can’t deal with that, then your dinner and a movie reservation is elsewhere.
The Gay Man’s Perspective: Darren Maddox
How odd! I understand what you’re saying about wanting to preserve the relationship for the sake of the kid, but to invite her into your plans that often is indeed a bit much. I’m friends with most of my exs, too, but there’s a time and a place to be alone with the person you’re dating. Have you talked to him about it? Do it—it’s the only way. If you don’t, it will continue to eat at you and won’t likely go away anytime soon. Why did they break up? Was it amicable? Other than the obvious, what obligation does he feel he still has toward her? How does she act when she’s around the two of you? How do you act? Can you be yourselves or are you guarded because she’s in the room?
I’m guessing from your tone that you’re trying to be as nice as possible without coming across as the jealous girlfriend. That’s good. The last thing you want is to be seen as a big ole bitch complaining about the ex. Just drop a few more hints to your love bug that you really enjoy the time you share with him and his son and that you hope that if your relationship continues to grow, there will be more quality time with memories for you three. I don’t have the expertise to advise you on how to handle a child’s emotions when trying to accept someone else in his parent’s life, so it might be worth talking this one out with a professional over a few paid sessions.
