Dear 4-Way,
Is it possible or even healthy to have an ongoing friends-with-benefits relationship with someone? Neither of us is seeing anyone else. Our lives (or mostly his life) are way too busy for a social life or a committed relationship. We’re good friends and we really do care for each other, but our timing really stinks right now. What do you think?—EH, San Francisco, California
The Straight Woman’s Perspective: Rebecca Brown
Hold on, EH … let me get this straight. You have no time for a social life? So what do you do with your time? Is your life so full of work, scintillating television, and hours of fascinating time on the Internet that you have no time to engage with real friends? I don’t get it. Everyone who wants a social life can have one; after all, you say you have a good friendship with this guy, so apparently you had enough time to socialize to develop that friendship with him.
In my opinion, the only way friends-with-benefits ever works is if you’re both on the exact same page as far as your expectations for the arrangement. So when you say that it’s “mostly his” life that’s way too busy for those things, that’s a bit of a warning signal to me because that definitely doesn’t sound like you two are on the same page. In fact, it sounds like you’re trying to talk yourself into it and also justify his reasons for not giving you more.
Good friends who really care for each other would recognize that screwing when it’s convenient might be fun in the moment, but it never leads to anything good or healthy. If you really value the friendship you’ve built, respect it by making sure it will last. I’ve got absolutely nothing against you having some good, dirty fun, but if physical fun is all you’re looking for, find that with someone where the stakes of your behavior aren’t so high.
Have fun, EH … but not too much. At least not with this guy.
The Gay Man’s Perspective: Darren Maddox
In my experience, it’s hard to be both. You’re either good friends or you’re friends with benefits. Which is it? It’s much harder to find good friends than the latter (see: craigslist.org). If you do, in fact, care for each other as friends, be friends. If a relationship evolves at some point, then it evolves and you can go at it for days and have tons in common along the way.
I will, however, go on the record as saying I think it’s completely healthy to have a friends-with-benefits relationship as long as you acknowledge it for what it is and have no expectations from it. The problem here is when you say you’re “good friends and really do care for each other.” That’s another level in my book. I may be reading into your question a little bit, so please excuse me if that’s the case, but it appears that you’re implying here that he is too busy for a relationship while you are secretly longing to be in one with him. If that is the case, then you’re letting your feelings get involved and you’re not truly in a relationship free of obligation. You know your situation. Is this something you can continue to do without feeling like you’re missing something? Give it some thought before you dive in.
The Gay Woman’s Perspective: Jody Fischer
Your letter has me confused. What stinks? The fact that you don’t have time for a social life? The fact that you are not seeing anyone? The fact that you want to have sex? Or is it the fact that you need someone else’s approval to have casual with sex with a friend?
From where I stand, I never want to be so busy that I have no time for a social life, a committed relationship, or sex. That’s not a life.
