Dear 4-Way,
I recently gave birth to a beautiful little girl. While her father is in my life, he’s not my husband. He’s a wonderfully supportive person and the kind of man anyone would probably want to marry; in fact, he’s asked me three times already to marry him. I’ve told him repeatedly that I’m not going to get married just because we had a baby. I want to get married when it feels like it’s time. Things are great as they are and I don’t want to complicate it by trying to make a marriage work. It seems old fashioned to get married just for the sake of having a baby, but am I making the right choice for my daughter? I would love to hear what you guys think about this situation.—BB, Orlando, Florida
The Straight Woman’s Perspective: Rebecca Brown
In my opinion, the right choice for your daughter is the one that makes you happy and doesn’t feel forced. I’m not a parent, but I am a card carrying member of the not-so-elite Children of Divorce Club. My parents split when I was four, but I remember hearing the fights and feeling the tension well before then and knowing that something was wrong, even if I didn’t understand exactly what it was. I believe that kids are more perceptive than most adults think they are—all the more reason for your daughter to be in an environment where everyone genuinely lives in harmony and is reasonably happy most of the time.
No pressure, but I think one of your (many) jobs as a mom is to set a good example for your daughter. Marrying someone you don’t love just because it’s the “right” thing to do isn’t the best example to set in my opinion (would you want her to do that later in life?), but I’m sure someone from The Waltons/Little House on the Prairie era is prepared to pounce on me and tell me how wrong I am.
I’m curious about your reluctance to marry this so-called wonderful, supportive man, though. You’ve said some really nice things about him, you’ve rolled around in bed naked with him, and now you have a daughter with him. Is this just a casual relationship that resulted in some offspring? Or do you love him? Because it definitely sounds like he loves you. I guess I’m just wondering if perhaps you’ve got some commitment issues to work out. Was there a divorce in your family? Someone who hurt you so badly that you’re afraid to love again? Or maybe you really just aren’t that into him. If there ever was a “time” to get married, it would probably be now that you have a daughter—provided you love him of course. Something to think about. I’m just sayin’.
The Gay Man’s Perspective: Darren Maddox
Your question is an interesting one, and not one gay men have to deal with often. I firmly believe that two people should get married because they’re in love and for no other reason. I know there are many people out there who will read this and secretly disagree. I also know there are many people out there who got divorced because that was not the only reason they got married.
When it’s time to get married and you pledge to spend the rest of your life with someone, I think you have to know deep down in your soul that it’s right. When you give in to the expectations of others and go against your own beliefs, I think you pay for it. You get one life. Be happy with where you are right now. Be selfish and realize what you want. If you’re in love with your daughter’s father and the timing is right, only then should you have a wedding. If that never happens, realize what you all share together and celebrate that. Don’t worry what your daughter thinks about the situation; she has to master walking first. You probably have a little time to figure this one out.
