Dear 4-Way
I’m from a large family in the South; both my parents came from big families, so I have a lot of cousins spread out across the country. Recently, I met one of those cousins for the first time when my mom suggested I get together with him for dinner while I was traveling for business. I’m very confused by what happened when we got together: he’s completely charming, we had a great time, and I’m attracted to him—and I’m pretty sure by the way he was flirting that he’s attracted to me, too. At the end of dinner, he asked if we could get together again when I’m in town. Is it really weird to pursue something with him? Since we didn’t meet until our late twenties, he doesn’t even feel like family to me.—KK, Birmingham, Alabama
The Gay Woman’s Perspective: Jody Fischer
I’m not a medical expert, but I’m pretty sure there’s a reason that cousins aren’t supposed to date that goes beyond just knowing one another as children. I think there are real medical repercussions if you guys produce kids.
That being said, one date may not lead to you guys walking down the aisle and having kids. And that being said, I have to be honest and say that I just find the whole thing off-putting.
I’m sure that you feel attracted—and he may, too—but please just keep looking around. Finding someone to date that you’re not related to will be a much easier path to follow than dating your cousin.
If you do decide to see him again, just know that you’re heading for judgment from others and all sorts of problematic issues. You might want to try checking in with your immediate family and seeing how they feel before you go any further. If you feel uncomfortable doing that, well, that’s an indicator of sorts isn’t it?
I guess you have to ask yourself if the attraction is worth all the problems. For me, the answer is a resounding no.
The Straight Man’s Perspective: Chris Kennedy
This topic is so fraught with mystery, taboo, and misunderstanding that I thought I’d try to bring some clarity before my advisement.
First off, it is legal in thirty-one states—including the most progressive and populated states of New York and California—to marry a first cousin. The U.S. is virtually alone among developed nations in outlawing marriage among first cousins. European countries and our neighbor, Canada, have no such prohibition—20 percent of marriages around the world are between first cousins. Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin—yes, a genius and the survival-of-the-fittest guy—both married their first cousins.
But what about the two-headed babies these first cousins will have if they procreate? A recent review by the Journal of Genetic Counseling says that, on average, offspring of first-cousin unions have a 2 to 3 percent greater risk of birth defects than the general population, or non-first-cousin marriages.
Back to you, KK. You didn’t specify his degree of cousinhood, so I just assume he’s a first cousin. For the record, all states allow the marriage of second cousins.
But let’s set aside the overkill on talk of babies and marriage. You’re just talking about the possibility of pursuing something with him. My advice is no, you should not.
One, your statement of you being “in town” means this will be a long-distance relationship. No. Two, there’s no such thing as an ex-cousin. Dating and breaking up with co-workers is bad enough, but you can get another job. You can’t get another family.
I say kiss the possibility with this cousin goodbye.
The Straight Woman’s Perspective: Rebecca Brown
KK! What the hell are you doing? Southerners everywhere have worked hard to erase the stereotype that we’re all toothless idiots who walk around humming Dwight Yoakam or Billy Ray Cyrus tunes while we wait outside the outhouse to make out with our brothers or sisters, or if they’re not available, our cousins … because, of course, we want to be just like Ashley and Melanie in Gone with the Wind. Make it stop, please … make it stop!
