Dear 4-Way,
My girlfriend is a recovering alcoholic. She was a big drinker and partier when we first met, but she went into a rehab program and has now been sober for seven months. I enjoy a cocktail or a glass of wine from time to time—controlling my drinking has never been a problem for me. I know the first months after getting out of a program are hard, so I’ve not had anything to drink since the day she came home. My question is, at what point can I resume having the occasional drink? I want to be supportive, but when I asked her if it would bother her if I had a glass of wine, she told me I was being insensitive and that I shouldn’t drink at all. If we stay together, we’re going to have to deal with this at some point, so I’m trying to get some advice on what a reasonable amount of time to wait is before I drink again. What do you guys think?—TB, Evanston, Illinois
The Gay Woman’s Perspective: Jody Fischer
My understanding is that the first year of being sober is quite challenging. It’s tough for folks to be around others who drink, and yes, this is something that you as a couple have to deal with.
At some point, she cannot have control over when, where, and what you drink, but now may not be that time. I also think it might be a good idea for you to go see a counselor together who has experience in this kind of issue so both of you can air your feelings and be heard.
She may live the rest of her life sober, but does that mean you have to as well? Do all her party friends have to stay alcohol-free around her? Is she in the space where she can even spend time with her former partying friends? Some people make a complete break from their former friends and lifestyle when they stop drinking as they find that they don’t have as much in common anymore.
She has some choices to make and I hope she’s part of a group such as AA so she has continued support. There are also groups for friends and partners of alcoholics that may offer you the support you need right now.
I’m glad you wrote to us, TB. Please check out support groups for yourself and for her. If you want this relationship to last, you need to work through this. The good news is that you don’t have to do it alone.
The Straight Man’s Perspective: Chris Kennedy
Dump the drunk.
I have a pet peeve when it comes to AA-ers’ illogical prohibition of drinking one drop of alcohol ever again lest they be swept out of control into a downward spiral. Really? You can’t have a beer at a backyard barbeque without putting a lampshade on your head, dancing on the table, and throwing up in your mother-in-law’s salad?
Her all or nothing behavior is troubling and childish to me. She sounds unstable and likely won’t understand your reasonable request to be allowed to have a drink or two around her seven months after her rehab stay. If you were insensitive, you wouldn’t be writing to us asking what to do.
You need to put your foot down and lift your glass up. Life’s too short to be told what to do by a hypocrite. You said it best— you don’t have a problem controlling your drinking and shouldn’t be penalized for her lack of control.
I wouldn’t go near her with a ten-foot drinking glass, but you like this woman more than I do, so if you decide you want to be with her considering all this, then you’ll have to cut off the booze indefinitely.
