Dear 4-Way,
I’m thirty-four years old, and over the past two years, I’ve dated about six men. Because I’ve managed to stay friendly with each of them, I know what’s going on in each of their romantic lives, and all of them are now in serious relationships with women in their early twenties. (The men’s ages range from thirty-five to forty-one.) I’ve become very good friends with one of my exes in particular, and I asked him about it. He was brutally honest and told me that all men want to date young women—the younger, the better. Period. He says it doesn’t mean they won’t or can’t fall in love with someone their own age, but if they have a choice, most men would prefer to be with a younger woman. I’m floored—I don’t think thirty-four is old. I would love to hear your opinions about why some men (all men?) prefer this. How can a woman over thirty compete?
—BH, Brooklyn, New York
The Straight Man’s Perspective: Chris Kennedy
First off, men like attractive women of all ages. But yes, women in their early twenties are typically in good shape, with good skin, good energy, and good hair. It makes men feel virile to have young women still attracted to them when they’re aging, losing hair, and gaining a gut.
Plus, women in their early twenties aren’t pushing men to get married, and they don’t have ticking biological clocks like women in their thirties do. So the types of men who don’t want to be challenged and are noncommittal seem to prefer younger women.
Which brings us to your main question: how do you compete?
Look to a song for inspiration. There’s an old, classic tune that goes, “You’ve got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative, and don’t mess with Mr. In-Between.”
“Older” women are typically more self-assured, more fulfilled in their careers, more faithful, and less scatterbrained than younger women are. These are the positives you can accentuate.
Be fit, secure, and upbeat. Eliminate the negatives. You can do this, BH; thirty-four is not too old for men to desire you. Latch on to the affirmative.
And lastly, and most important, don’t mess with the Mr. In-Betweens. Let the younger women have them. You want men who are ready for something more … advanced.
The Straight Woman’s Perspective: Rebecca Brown
You do realize you’re asking a single, forty-year-old woman why men like younger women … really, BH? Sigh.
I’ll be interested in what the other 4-Wayers have to say, but I have a couple of theories. The first is that men in the age range you described may be interested in having a family and may assume (rightly so, in some situations) that women their own age will have a difficult time getting pregnant, so they start trolling the twentysomethings for fertile alternatives. (Clearly, these men did not get the Jane Seymour–pregnant-with-twins-at-forty-four memo.)
The second theory comes after conversations I’ve had with a few older men (fifties) who told me they dated younger women (twenties) because it made their fellow fiftysomething friends crazy with jealousy that they could get someone so young. They liked that feeling of “I’ve still got it, but my buddy doesn’t,” but all of them eventually ended things with the younger women because they had nothing to talk about and nothing in common. Go figure.
But take heart. For every man who just has to chase the twenty-three-year-old hottie, there’s another man who will be attracted to you for who you are and for the experience and wisdom you’ve gained because of your age. (By the way, you’re right: thirty-four is not old.) I just saw It’s Complicated, and one of my favorite moments was when Meryl Streep worries out loud to Steve Martin that she’s “too old” for him (even though they appear to be roughly the same age). I love his response: “Your age is one of my favorite things about you.”
