Dear 4-Way,
My girlfriend and I always joke around about having a three-way. She knows it’s a fantasy, but she also knows it’s not one I expect her to fulfill … it’s just something fun to talk about privately with her, since it turns me on. A few weeks ago, I came home after working late and caught her making out on our couch with a woman who I thought was just her friend. Both of their shirts were off, and they were definitely messing around. I was pretty upset because, in my mind, she cheated on me, but she says that because I always fantasize about her being with another girl, it’s not really cheating—just her living up to my fantasy. She says she doesn’t like this woman, and that she was just “testing the waters” in case we ever had a three-way. I’m not buying it. Would you consider this cheating, or am I just being sensitive?
—MK, Atlanta, Georgia
The Straight Woman’s Perspective: Rebecca Brown
I suppose I can see why the fantasy of a three-way might be exciting, and god knows, I’ve never met a man—gay or straight—who didn’t fantasize about having one. Call me a buzz-kill realist, but when I think about someone I like messing around or having sex with someone else while I watch, I don’t get turned on; I get jealous. Also, I’m not convinced that you could create an equitable situation; it seems like there would always be one person of the three who ended up getting less attention. And if I were in a three-way with my boyfriend or husband, I wouldn’t want that person to be me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if you’re in a relationship and you’re considering a three-way, both people should feel completely comfortable with the idea before moving forward. No matter how hot 99.9 percent of the male population thinks your situation is, your girlfriend still messed around with another person. Without your agreement and participation, that’s not really a three-way—it’s just plain old cheating, and that’s a huge violation of trust, in my opinion. I’m guessing if you caught your girlfriend groping and dry-humping some other guy, you wouldn’t think you were being too “sensitive” then, would you? Just because it’s two women doesn’t make it okay.
She can either date you and be faithful—and, yes, maybe even have a three-way with you present—or she can roll around on couches half-naked with other women (and men) as a single woman, but not as your girlfriend. The way I see it, those are her choices—no two ways (or three-ways) about it.
