Dear 4-Way,
I’ve gone on nine dates with a man I really like. But we haven’t slept together yet; in fact, we haven’t even messed around or slept over at each other’s houses yet. This might sound normal to most people, but I’m a gay man and this is pretty uncommon behavior for me and my circle of friends—if I like someone, I usually at least mess around on the first date. I think he’s funny and smart, and I definitely think he’s attractive; I just find that I’m not all that excited about the idea of having sex with him. Sometimes when we’re talking on the phone, though, I get really turned on by him, but never in person. This has never happened to me before, and I’m not sure what it means. Any thoughts?—KJ, San Francisco, California
The Gay Woman’s Perspective: Jody Fischer
So you’re saying that neither of you has made a move to connect on a physical level after nine dates? Gay, bi, or straight, my friend, that’s unusual. Let’s remember here that he’s not made a move yet, either. Maybe the physical/sexual connection is not in the stars for you guys. You say you like the guy; what do you like about him? Perhaps it’s more of a shared friendship.
I think for us gay folks, the line between the beginning of a new relationship and the beginning of a new friendship can be tricky. Not all straight daters are attracted to one another, and not all gay people are, either. And just like straight people, sometimes we spend time dating someone when it turns out friendship would be a better fit.
Start by talking to him about what you’re feeling. You don’t need to have it all figured out inside yourself before you do this. Tell him you’re puzzled by the fact that there’s been no sexual contact. Ask him how he feels about this scenario; I’m sure he’s noticed, too.
Be open to having a great new friend. Perhaps after hearing his story and sharing your feelings, you’ll have reached a whole new level of intimacy. That may lead to the bedroom … or not. Be prepared for the journey either way, and enjoy it.
The Straight Man’s Perspective: Chris Kennedy
Actions speak louder than words, and your actions say you’re not going to bed¾or anywhere else¾with this guy.
We can be attracted to people, acknowledging how smart and amazing and wonderful they are, but in the end, if there’s no desire and action to get intimate with them, we’ve got a problem, San Francisco.
It’s one thing to consciously resist getting physical with each other, repressing strong urges to refrain from jumping in too fast, and it’s totally another thing for it not to be much of a sacrifice to keep your hands off each other.
It’s a mystery why we have chemistry with some people and not others. But you don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to solve what this means: you’ve got a friend here, KJ—not a lover, and not a boyfriend.
The Straight Woman’s Perspective: Rebecca Brown
I have this thing that happens every time I try to eat liver or cauliflower and convince myself that either of them actually tastes good: my throat involuntarily closes up and I can’t swallow. I just can’t choke them down, even though I know that both are really good for me and probably have some sort of antioxidant that could take twenty years of aging off my face. I really want to like them, but my body won’t let me.
The point is, sometimes we know something physically before we know it emotionally. Your body is rejecting the idea of drunken third-date (or ninth-date) sex with this man; someone who, in theory, you think you should like romantically because of his good looks, smarts, and affable personality. As Jennifer Aniston mused in The Object of My Affection (oh, come on, don’t act like you never saw it, KJ―you’re a gay man!), “doesn’t it all just turn into friendship anyway?” It does, but before it turns into friendship, you really should want to rip each other’s clothes off, and the fact that you don’t should be telling you something important.
