To commemorate back-to-school days, this month’s Visiting Visionary, Chris Kennedy, shares September’s predictions as foretold by the faculty of Pinecrest Elementary School.
Virgo
Mrs. Crabtree, 1st grade teacher
You listen up. It’s about time you acted like a grown-up. You’re not in Kindergarten anymore. I’d expect this kind of behavior from a five-year-old, but not someone your age. Do your homework. Keep your mouth shut and do as you’re told. Do that and you and I won’t have any problems, mister/missy. What’s that? I can’t hear you? Mrs. Crabtree doesn’t hear anyone who doesn’t raise their hand.
While cleaning out your desk, you will find a note from yourself in the future. Ignore it. Your brain power is draining in imperceptible degrees as we speak, and you will be a near idiot in the future. Be in the moment … because the next ones are going to suck.
Libra
Ms. Richardson, Library aide
I’ll be reading various playful, yet non-discriminatory books to you this year. I can’t wait. You’re all so special, Mother Nature sends you flowers every spring. I guess that’s why I consider you my “buds.”
While trying to figure out the Dewey Decimal System, you will be overwhelmed by a feeling of frustration and sexual ecstasy. Use these to your favor and ask out that librarian with her hair in a bun. Dating a librarian has many perks; he or she will whisper sweet nothings into your ear on a daily basis and give you free books!
Scorpio
Miss Simpson, Speech teacher
I’ll be pulling you out of class periodically to give you the special attention you deserve. We’ll have our little party once a week during the second half of fourth period. Remember to practice your S’s. Don’t get lazy with that tongue.
Working on your diction and annunciation will get you many of the things you desire. Namely, your work at the drive-through will be met with surprising approval from fast food customers. Enjoy it!
Sagittarius
Mr. Smalls, PE teacher
(Whistle blows.) Everybody in! Welcome to gym class, boys and girls. I expect you to be dressed and ready for physical activity every day. No excuses! Am I clear? Good. Okay, today, I want one lap around the gym. You wanna make it two? No cheating. Uphold the Pinecrest Honor Code. Now move your little butts! Go! (Whistle blows.)
Your days of being inattentive to yourself are over. Dedicate yourself to fitness. Your physical health will help counterbalance your unstable mental health. Run your problems off … literally. Just be careful when jogging at night, there might be other crazy people like you out there. Keep those knees up!
Capricorn
Principal Halcott
Ahem, let me clear my throat. I just … I know I put my note cards somewhere. Oh, heck, I can do this. Hello students. Welcome back for another amazing school year! Remember to keep those shoes shining and those number two pencils sharpened.
You’re going to meet a pretty sexy significant other. Use this time to become more organized. Clear the clutter out of your mind … and your litter box. Seriously, it’s getting gamey in your apartment. Also, get rid of toxic people from your life. Since you don’t have a lot of friends, I’m talking about your cat. Be vigilant, you have nine lives to snuff out.
Aquarius
Mr. Rodriguez, Groundskeeper
Hola! Como esta? Bien. Bien. Pare el caminar en los pisos que acabo de pulir. Usted sigue fango todo sobre mi trabajo. Es ridículo. Cuando usted no está mirando, voy a escupir en su caja del almuerzo. ¡Buenos Dias y precaucio’n-deslizadizo cuando muy cuidadoso mojado!
The love moon is in your orbit and it’s time you shot your rocket out into the dating world. Ask out anyone you deem at least a seven. If that doesn’t work, move down to sixes, and so on. If you make it to the twos without getting a date, join a church group and tell them you’ve chosen to be celibate. You’ll be celebrated and told you’re a good person.
