As someone who makes a living coercing people into what to buy, I’ve decided that your personal horoscope should reflect what Halloween outfit best fits your sign. Of course, I’ve kept a modern spin on these costumes to reflect the modern times, which means that if you’ve been paying attention to what some women have been wearing on Halloween these past few years, you should know exactly what to expect. As a heterosexual male, I look forward to this day each year with my eyes wide open.
Please lower your standards accordingly.
Libra
The world is yours for the taking, although you shouldn’t rest on your laurels. Your costume should reflect a character who is in charge and not afraid to make decisions. Try dressing as a cop this Halloween. The sluttiest cop on the beat.
Scorpio
Can you be trusted? That’s what everyone says about you behind your back. But that’s okay. You dig how everyone always has their eye on your every move. So your costume should be devilish. I recommend that you dress as Satan’s helper. The one that’s a dominatrix.
Sagittarius
Everyone speaks glowingly about your very generous heart. In fact, you consider all your possessions to be communal. And because of this, friends and strangers want to share in your warmth. Snag the pilgrim costume, but make sure you’ve got a humongous rack.
Capricorn
Maybe it’s time for you to break the mold. Zig when everyone else zags. Take the path less taken. Your costume should be an exercise in dichotomies. I suggest that you go as a very conservatively dressed prostitute who enjoys layering during the winter quarter.
Aquarius
You love being the center of attention. In fact, if there’s a camera around, you’ll find it, and try to make it yours. Of course, you think everyone is jealous of you. Your costume should reflect that narcissism. Go for the Paris Hilton costume. No alterations needed.
Pisces
You are able to see other people for who they are and what they’re going through, and your heart reaches out to them. Of course, that might lead to others not taking you seriously. Your costume should make light of that. I suggest you dress as a homeless person. In stilettos. And fish nets. With a tight ass.
Aries
You are at your best when everything is in order. In your worldview, there’s not a single thing that doesn’t have its place. Your costume should reflect someone who needs everything just so. I recommend that you dress as a sexy librarian who likes it in the pooper.
Taurus
Emotions are high, and it takes someone with a steady temperament to see things through. When choosing your costume, understand that you shouldn’t allow the situation at the party to dictate your mood. I think a nurse costume would be an excellent fit for you. But really whore it up.
Gemini
You tend to have amazing insights into the world. In fact, some might say that you are otherworldly. Because of this, you are eyed suspiciously, as if you are not one in the group. So, when choosing your costume, plan on being someone who is the center of attention. Go for the alien-prostitute costume.
Cancer
Nobody can get a good read on you. That’s because there’s no rhyme or reason to your next move. Your costume should be as unpredictable as the person who wears it. That’s why I recommend that you dress as a Persian longhair cat. Hooker. A Persian longhair cat hooker.
Leo
Grrr. You are the most determined animal in your jungle. Nothing can stand in your way from getting what you want. Your costume should therefore strike fear into whoever sees you in it. So, for Halloween, you should be a very, very naughty Jehovah’s Witness. And show some skin.
Virgo
You live a simple life. You are not very impressed with technology, or any sort of modern advances. In fact, you’re determined not to spend much on your costume this year. That’s okay. I suggest that you dress as a nun who finds pleasure in the night.
Steven Tornello is a senior writer at the San Francisco office of AKQA, one of the most decorated and acclaimed digital advertising agencies in the world. Many of his campaigns have been honored by experts in his field, no matter how retarded that might sound. His blog, steveohville.blogspot.com, may or may not ring up somewhere between fifteen to thirty-five hits each day.