November. That magical month when the seasons change. The leaves start to turn. Families join together to give thanks for food, then eat it all. Airport lines. Grocery store lines. Facial lines. There is truly so much to be thankful for in November. I think it’s no great coincidence that the Plymouth settlers also gave thanks during this month as well. Not only did they have their first successful harvest, but I suspect they were ecstatic that their tall buckle boots stopped making their feet sweat. So, inspired by our forefathers and mothers that peacefully enjoyed a meal together, here are my visions for your Thanksgiving.
Scorpio
As the most intensely profound, powerful character in the zodiac, when you give thanks, you really give thanks. Which explains why I predict you will have not one, but a month full of Thanksgiving dinners to give thanks for all your blessings—a fantastic house, a great haircut, a dedicated Pilates instructor, a new coffee bar on your block, and enough friends to invite to all these Thanksgiving dinners. This month of gratitude and food might be one of your best this year. Just don’t ignore your Pilates instructor.
Sagittarius
Sag, thanks for being such a positive person. You’re Switzerland in the middle of Mom, crazy Aunt Judy, and your rebellious younger sister. Thanks to your neutrality, honesty, and enthusiasm, I predict Thanksgiving dinner will go off with nothing more than a dramatic monologue from little sis about cruelty to turkeys, which you’ve already headed off at the pass by buying a free-range bird. Smart ol’ Sag.
Capricorn
It’s all business for you. That’s why I know you’ll get in and out of Thanksgiving dinner without a family scar or calorie on you. Your well-planned (read: anal) personality got you a flight home the night before Turkey Day and a flight out the morning after, avoiding high traffic at the airport and a disastrous family shopping day adventure. And, because you’re so freaking disciplined, I know you already have a book about how to get through Thanksgiving without gaining weight on your night stand. If anyone can do it, you can, Capricorn.
Aquarius
Dear Aquarius, please do us all a favor and don’t have a vegetarian Thanksgiving this year. Because if you do, I predict a very lonely Thanksgiving table. You’re so sweet, creative, and kind to spare the life of several turkeys, yams, potatoes, cranberries, and green beans, but tofurkey with vegan gravy? Well, let’s just say all your friends found themselves at a drive-thru shortly after dinner. It’s hard for me to tell you this, but for once in your cause-oriented life, follow the herd.
Pisces
Okay, Pisces, I’m going to tell you something you might not want to hear, but I can’t deny the voices in my head. You know that guy that keeps showing up at happy hour with your friends? He’s not just there for the drink specials. He. Likes. You. And, he’s going to be at your urban family’s Thanksgiving Dinner. That shy, demure thing you’re working? It’s not working. He probably thinks you’re giving him the snub. So, take the turkey by the leg (figuratively, of course) and strike up a convo with him. Dare I say, sit by him at dinner. Who knows, something might—gasp!—happen.
Aries
The family knows you’ve been secretly going to improv night downtown (your older brother leaked it), so carpe turkey day. This Thanksgiving, while the family sits around the table post-turkey, put your newfound comedic skills to good use. I predict this tryptophan-infested crowd will love your material. Plus, no one wants to hear about your Dad’s newest edition to his train collection.
Taurus
This is the year you are hosting Thanksgiving dinner at your table. Taurus darling, we both know because you’re so calm and collected that it will be the best Thanksgiving dinner in recent family history. Table settings, perfect. Wine pairing, perfect. Conversation management, perfect. I’m sensing phenomenal hostess gifts. I’m talking expensive candles, massage gift certificates. Well done, darling. Well done.
