Virgo
Nobody does analytical or rational quite like you, Virgo, but lately some of your numbers just aren’t adding up. How many times have you gotten frisky this month? And how many times have you cleaned your house? Those numbers suck! Just because your sign is a virgin, doesn’t mean you have to act like one. Put down the Windex, put on Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” and take a good hard (and yes, rational) look at yourself. By the second verse, you should be seeing the talented and beautiful Virgo you are. After that, call up your partner, your wanna-be partner, your friend’s brother, or even the guy that works at the corner deli and tell that person that you’re ready to get your freak on.
Libra
Libra, you are so wise, fair, and just. You’re like a little do-gooder Pollyanna, out in the world making the normal, self-obsessed people look like slobbering animals. The thing is (and you know this better than anyone does because you’re so fair) that you really need to walk in someone’s shoes before you can judge them. So put on those spiky red heels you bought for “someday,” put on some lip plumper, and start mingling with the other side this month. Then you’ll realize why people are so self-absorbed—it’s because it’s so damn fun. You’ll see.
Scorpio
You know you’re the shit. You’re passionate, determined, fearless, and vibrant; but you can also be self-possessed, vengeful, and spiteful. Take for instance your fellow Scorpion, Tonya Harding. She was America’s sweetheart, skating her precious little heart out until she went berserk and had Nancy Kerrigan whacked in the knee. Keep your passions in check this month, my little Scorpio, because under the calm and collected surface, you are becoming increasingly impatient with someone in your life. Try to remember that you can’t control everything and you are dangerously close to going Tonya Harding on someone’s ass.
Sagittarius
You will start the month feeling like the queen you know you are. But your crown will slip a little as the days go by and your royal subjects (you know, your friends) start to get annoyed with your royal expectations. Mid-month you may find yourself thrown out of the kingdom while you watch as a new queen is drooled over by your friends. But don’t worry, she’ll eventually slip up and say something behind the royal court’s back and be exiled. By the end of the month, there will be an empty throne and you’ll have a prettier crown to wear.
Capricorn
You know how you’ve always wanted to experiment with fruit? Well, September is the month for exploration. Pineapple is a lovely fruit and very exotic (wink, wink). You may also enjoy apples, or even oranges. This is a huge step for you conservative Capricorns, but you really will like fruit if you just give it a try.
Aquarius
Sometimes you can be a little childish—everyone is from time to time. However, throwing temper tantrums, wearing Underoos to bed, and ordering pasta without the sauce is a little overboard. No wonder you’re having trouble in the sex department! Do you suck your thumb too? Stop whining and declare September the official “Grow Up, Aquarius” month. Take it day-by-day and wean yourself off the nipple of self-loathing and desperation and you’ll be back to hanging out with your friends in no time. Like the Men’s Wearhouse, I guarantee it!
Pisces
This month you’ll be inclined to shy away from great opportunities because they’ll look like get-rich-quick pyramid scams that are sure to fail—but they’re not. You may have the opportunity to be a part of something huge, but you have to take a chance. Think about the first people to hear about Pet Rocks, mouthwash, the nose whistle, and merkins (muff wigs). They probably laughed in the inventors’ faces. But you won’t do that. Not this month. Carpe Diem, Pisces!
