For as long as I can remember, November has been monopolized by turkeys, pilgrims, and yams. However, the nature-hued eleventh month is a cornucopia of neglected, yet equally thrilling holidays. It’s time to stop giving thanks and start respecting the lesser-known festivals of November. The election is over and the financial freak-out is getting old—the stars urge you to celebrate.
Scorpio
National Hug a Veteran Week—November 10th–16th
You will wake up very early every morning. You will sleep outside the Veteran’s hospital. You will travel door to door in your neighborhood on a desperate and hungry search for veterans. You will hug them. You will fall in love with a World War II vet named Jambalaya. You and Jambalaya will move to Kuwait and become oil tycoons. You will become a billionaire and party with Paris Hilton and Prince William. There is a possibility of a threesome with you, Jambalaya, and the Prince this month.
Sagittarius
Cliché Day— November 3rd
My dear Sagittarian, you have a problem. Clichés happen—in your case, they happen as often as Kim Kardashian’s booty jiggles. The grass is not usually greener when you pepper all of your sentences with a cliché. No stitch in time will save you nine of anything if you continue to talk like a wisecrack Granny. The next time you tell somebody that every cloud has a silver lining, they will kick you in the shins and force-feed you sand.
Capricorn
National Men Make Dinner Day—November 7th
Open your kitchen to the uncles, sons, brothers, husbands, grandfathers, and estranged cousins in your life. They will be inspired to exercise their skills at creating a culinary delight for you and your family. Beware of breaded nuggets, perfectly shaped double-decker hamburgers, and eerily delicious pad thai. You will call President Obama to decree November eighth as National Men Clean the House Day and November ninth as National Men Do Whatever Women Say Day. You will exclude Sarah Palin from celebrating this auspicious holiday.
Aquarius
Plan Your Epitaph Day—November 2nd
A crappy headstone is a fate worse than death. Use this month to discover a lasting quote or lyric to carry with you into eternity. An auctioneer from Tuskegee, Alabama, Jedidiah Goodwin, has an epitaph that reads, “Going! Going!! Gooonnnne!!!” His poor soul didn’t have the opportunity to celebrate this joyous holiday. His memory will suffer eternally. Do you want your grouchy and overly flatulent cousin Bertie picking your final message? I predict sleepless nights and lonesome afternoons of you pondering this question.
Pisces
Peanut Butter Lovers’ Month—November 1st–30th
Peanut butter is so much more than peanuts mixed with butter. Peanut butter is a warm hug on a cold night. Peanut butter is a nutty release when you’re feeling lonely, hot, or bothered. I foresee a bathtub overflowing with peanut butter and a robust man named Gus Gus. You will slather him with Jif Extra Crunchy. Afterward, you will make Gus Gus a peanut butter and grape jelly sammy and call him Papi.
Aries
Diabetic Eye Disease Month —November 1st–30th
Have your corneas been craving warm sticky buns? Has your vision been blurred by the sight of red velvet cupcakes? Time to get the insulin levels of your eyeballs checked. This month is dedicated to the diabetic health of our eyes. You will create fliers and buttons to hand out to friends and neighbors. A feeling of glory will overcome you as a flier encourages a loved one to discover his own case of ocular diabetes.
Taurus
National Fig Week—November 1st–7th
When was the last time you had a fresh fig salad? How about an ice-cold scoop of fig and hazelnut gelato? (It’s been at least seventeen to eighteen months for me.) I anticipate you taking time to savor the flavor of a fruit that is just as delicious as duck confit. You will incorporate a fig balsamic reduction into your lamp chop recipe. You will throw some warmed figs into your beef and lentil stew. As the saying goes, figs, figs the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot the better you feel, so let’s eat figs for every meal. (Or maybe that’s beans … )
Gemini
Vinegar Day—November 1st–30th
Did you know that vinegar is an acidic liquid processed from the fermentation of ethanol to yield acetic acid? Did you know that vinegar can be used to cure dandruff and common finger warts? Have you ever used coconut vinegar? How about beer vinegar? You should be highly ashamed of yourself for neglecting such a treasured culinary delight. This month you will dedicate one to two hours a day to study, drink, and bathe in vinegar.
Cancer
Family Stories Month— November 1st–30th
Gather ‘round the old crockpot, it’s story time! I don’t know about your family, but in my family, story time is much more fun when a bottle of Johnny Walker is passed around. Make sure everyone takes a few big swigs of Johnny Boy and then sit back and let the good times roll! Persuade Auntie Shirley to retell stories of her promiscuous cheerleader days. Make mom share the story of Princess, the one-finned goldfish. (Note: Carry a muzzle to shut Pappy’s trap before he regales you with his two-hour killer whale chronicles.) Keep a close eye on your own mouth as there is a strong chance that a story involving you, an elderly gentleman, the song “Stand By Me,” and a large chocolate éclair may come out.
Leo
National Chicken Lady Day—November 4th
Take a trip to Miami Shores, Florida to discover the mysterious yet tender and juicy Chicken Lady, a former KFC employee who used her experience making warm buttery biscuits to propel her into a career inspiring public speakers. Prepare a roast chicken served with Stove Top stuffing in her honor. The aroma of your chicken and stuffing will lure a suitor named Al Kaholic. The two of you will spend a night together sipping on virgin piña coladas and crunching on spicy wings. Al will inspire you to give up your nightly habit of downing three to four Zimas. You will become a leader in a program involving twelve steps to spread the greatness of a Zima-free existence.
Virgo
Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day—November 8th
Virgos are known to be bold and pungent, so take some of that fire and turn it into a hot autumn dish. Throw some hot jalapenos into your tuna casserole, or add some cayenne pepper to your scrambled eggs. Beware of a wasabi pea-mashed potatoes incident around the fifteenth, which will involve an old friend, a toilet, and a trip to the hospital. Many bandages and suppositories will also be involved. The wasabi incident will remind you of the intense dangers of being too bold and too pungent.
Libra
National Ample Time Day—November 8th
This month you will have an abnormal abundance of free time. You will be overwhelmed with the endless hours in your day. Use this time to find your innate talents. Try riding a unicycle, or sign up for America’s Next Top Model. Perhaps you will take up extreme ironing. Do not spend your time giving back to your community or making food for the homeless. Instead, use the surplus of time to be selfish and only think about what makes you happy. This act will alert karma to reward you for rewarding yourself.
Neha Grey has an incredibly sharp sense of smell. She can predict the last time a person has showered within seconds of accuracy. She uses her nostrils to foresee the future and occasionally stop and sniff fresh baked banana-nut bread
The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.