For as long as I can remember, November has been monopolized by turkeys, pilgrims, and yams. However, the nature-hued eleventh month is a cornucopia of neglected, yet equally thrilling holidays. It’s time to stop giving thanks and start respecting the lesser-known festivals of November. The election is over and the financial freak-out is getting old—the stars urge you to celebrate.
Scorpio
National Hug a Veteran Week—November 10th–16th
You will wake up very early every morning. You will sleep outside the Veteran’s hospital. You will travel door to door in your neighborhood on a desperate and hungry search for veterans. You will hug them. You will fall in love with a World War II vet named Jambalaya. You and Jambalaya will move to Kuwait and become oil tycoons. You will become a billionaire and party with Paris Hilton and Prince William. There is a possibility of a threesome with you, Jambalaya, and the Prince this month.
Sagittarius
Cliché Day— November 3rd
My dear Sagittarian, you have a problem. Clichés happen—in your case, they happen as often as Kim Kardashian’s booty jiggles. The grass is not usually greener when you pepper all of your sentences with a cliché. No stitch in time will save you nine of anything if you continue to talk like a wisecrack Granny. The next time you tell somebody that every cloud has a silver lining, they will kick you in the shins and force-feed you sand.
Capricorn
National Men Make Dinner Day—November 7th
Open your kitchen to the uncles, sons, brothers, husbands, grandfathers, and estranged cousins in your life. They will be inspired to exercise their skills at creating a culinary delight for you and your family. Beware of breaded nuggets, perfectly shaped double-decker hamburgers, and eerily delicious pad thai. You will call President Obama to decree November eighth as National Men Clean the House Day and November ninth as National Men Do Whatever Women Say Day. You will exclude Sarah Palin from celebrating this auspicious holiday.
Aquarius
Plan Your Epitaph Day—November 2nd
A crappy headstone is a fate worse than death. Use this month to discover a lasting quote or lyric to carry with you into eternity. An auctioneer from Tuskegee, Alabama, Jedidiah Goodwin, has an epitaph that reads, “Going! Going!! Gooonnnne!!!” His poor soul didn’t have the opportunity to celebrate this joyous holiday. His memory will suffer eternally. Do you want your grouchy and overly flatulent cousin Bertie picking your final message? I predict sleepless nights and lonesome afternoons of you pondering this question.
Pisces
Peanut Butter Lovers’ Month—November 1st–30th
Peanut butter is so much more than peanuts mixed with butter. Peanut butter is a warm hug on a cold night. Peanut butter is a nutty release when you’re feeling lonely, hot, or bothered. I foresee a bathtub overflowing with peanut butter and a robust man named Gus Gus. You will slather him with Jif Extra Crunchy. Afterward, you will make Gus Gus a peanut butter and grape jelly sammy and call him Papi.
Aries
Diabetic Eye Disease Month —November 1st–30th
Have your corneas been craving warm sticky buns? Has your vision been blurred by the sight of red velvet cupcakes? Time to get the insulin levels of your eyeballs checked. This month is dedicated to the diabetic health of our eyes. You will create fliers and buttons to hand out to friends and neighbors. A feeling of glory will overcome you as a flier encourages a loved one to discover his own case of ocular diabetes.
Taurus
National Fig Week—November 1st–7th
When was the last time you had a fresh fig salad? How about an ice-cold scoop of fig and hazelnut gelato? (It’s been at least seventeen to eighteen months for me.) I anticipate you taking time to savor the flavor of a fruit that is just as delicious as duck confit. You will incorporate a fig balsamic reduction into your lamp chop recipe. You will throw some warmed figs into your beef and lentil stew. As the saying goes, figs, figs the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot the better you feel, so let’s eat figs for every meal. (Or maybe that’s beans … )
