Beware all who enter. These may be the most acerbic of predictions, for the most horrendous of holidays, in the most hated of all months, the day that plagues singletons and bitter married couples alike … dum, dum, dum—Valentine’s Day. While love is supposed to be in the air and the eyes are supposed to be on the stars, it’s the mind that’s more important—and mine’s in the gutter.
Aries
You’re in a look before you leap kinda spirit, but beware of leaping anywhere with hipsters from shadowy bars. Who you thought was an ultra-sensitive type from a whiny boy band will eventually put you in a compromising position with a foot fetishist named Marge. And your increased impartiality this month may have you considering Marge as a possible Valentine—you’ll even tell yourself the wispy beard is almost manly. But remember, it’s important to avoid the temptation of a full social agenda this V-Day. Your inherent selfish side will cause future conflicts when arguing over who uses the razor for what.
Taurus
This month, you’re all about professional focus. You will neglect your social life and the gym, believing that diuretics will clear up those bull-like cankles. Your social life (in response to cankles) will then neglect you. This will push your relationships to become practical rather than emotional, causing some indecision around the 10th—but remember, escort services require an advanced reservation for the 14th. Choose wisely, greedy Taurus—Jupiter is planning to bring you something substantial. Temptation arrives at $175/hour, but never forget that “substantial gifts” may bear heavy burdens. It’s no coincidence that V-Day bears an uncanny resemblance to VD.
Gemini
The new moon eclipse in your house on the 9th has you longing to broaden your horizons. But because Saturn is getting annoyed with Uranus this month, try to keep it to intellectual exploration with the boyfriend. All his Valentine’s Day hints about treats of the backdoor kind will only lead to pain. If mental adventures simply will not satisfy this February, your enthusiasm for observation and learning are showing strong in your chart this month. Voyeurism never hurt anyone; or at the very least, it has no discernible effect on hemorrhoids.
Cancer
Good news coming on the 6th—you’ll be dumped. Or maybe you’ll dump somebody. Or maybe you’ve just been too cautious to actually embroil yourself with unsuitable mates that will force you to shell out tons of money for flowers and candy that nobody really wants. But don’t get all overemotional and touchy about the impending breakup—it may just be an argument with your strangely anti-social single neighbor.
Leo
You’re all about improving your personal relationships this month. There may be some need to focus on repairing rifts—you’re innate bossiness may have carried that little BDSM stunt a bit too far. But, because of your affable nature, you’ll be forgiven and even able to keep your New Year’s resolution of finally adding a gimp to the mix. Cosmic shifts show that it’s a good time to reclaim your stage—feel free to add dramatic language. The stars point to speeches involving, “Suck my filthy stiletto, you useless plebe.”
Virgo
You’re the virgin sign and this is a month where not gettin’ some will make others treat you like a communicable disease. There’s no love in your charts, so just give up. Crawl in a hole. Take your fussy self and obsess over aforementioned hole, until even it begins to feel overanalyzed. After you’ve harangued various inanimate objects into submission, you may feel the need for spiritual renewal and rest. For you, this will involve taunting special needs children in order to feel perfect. Now that you’ve found balance, you may begin to feel urges toward the end of the month for something more stimulating. This may be a good time to reacquaint yourself with the vibrator. Not to use of course, but merely to criticize for its lack of length, spontaneity, and thoughtfulness.
