Now that summer is finally here, it’s time to pop open a beer, squeeze into that bikini, and toss another burger on the grill. With all the alcohol flowing and fun in the air, it’s not surprising that July is full of fireworks, and not just on the beach.
Cancer
Pay attention to your health this month, Cancer. Your sign is strong, and you know what that means: crabs! Was it the guy at the beach party who charmed his way into your margarita-induced haze, or some other hot summer hook-up? Regardless, put on a wide-brimmed hat and some very dark sunglasses, and head over to your pharmacy to relieve that itch.
Leo
Time to get moving, Leo. I know it’s hot out and your inner lion is telling you to sunbathe on a rock all summer, but that to-do list won’t disappear on its own. The summer months are good for you, but you spend too much of your energy on personal matters without taking care of business. Drinking mojitos and napping all day does not count as work. Despite your lazi … tendency toward idleness, however, I do see an economic windfall in your future. But then, if you sit there that long without showering, people are bound to start tossing you quarters.
Virgo
Mercury is powerful for you this month, Virgo, which means that your communication skills are strong. It also means the people around you will be praying for you to shut up. At work, at home, at the bar, you’ll make far more friends if you just smack your gums together and listen rather than commenting on their attire and menu choices. I know you’re used to having things your way, but letting those little criticisms fly during these hot summer months is a recipe for disaster. That is, unless you like having your coworkers slip Visine into your coffee and “accidentally” forwarding those happy hour photos to your boss.
Libra
Come on, Libra! It’s summer! Would you just get out of the office already? You’re making the rest of us look bad by wearing a tie on casual Friday and staying past 5 p.m. when we’re all planning to leave at three. The presence of Venus and Mars in your star chart suggests that you have some emotional attachment to your work. I’m really sorry about that, but it’s time to grow up and have your unhealthy emotional attachments to alcohol and cheap sex like everyone else.
Scorpio
I see travel and foreign connections in your stars this month. I also see you in the grip of a force beyond your control, as well as drastic changes in your physical state. You don’t need to be an expert astrologer like I am (not) to see what’s going on here: food poisoning. It’s a late night; you don’t feel like cooking. How much harm could one night of Chinese take-out do? Tell that to the toilet bowl as you hug it for the next week and a half. Hold on to your intestines, honey. This month is going to be a doozy.
Sagittarius
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Capricorn
If you want to be a hit at summer parties, Capricorn, you really need to work on those people skills. You can’t keep approaching cocktail hour the way you would a work presentation. Cue cards and highlighted notes have no place at social functions. I know you like to approach everything methodically, but that pocket protector is just not helping your cause. Neither, come to think of it, are those sweaty palms that come from interacting with something as unpredictable as a human being. Try this: instead of worrying so much about whether people will like you, relax and they just might.
