I see visions. Flashes. Snippets of your life. And like all visionaries, I simply report what I see. Sure, I’m blunt. Yes, I’m harsh. But, I’m a registered visionary, so you must trust me. You must accept all that I say as something that has happened, is happening right now, or will most definitely happen in the future. Trust my visions and you’ll become a better mother or daughter, sister or aunt, wife or best friend. You’ll be the woman you never thought you could be, only better.
Now, September is a dark month. The end of summer. The beginning of the great fall to winter. Sadness seizes most women during this time, but not you. My dear, you’ll be the one doing the seizing. You’ll seize this month with both hands. Yes! Grapple it by the neck, my love, for it’s the month that will change your life fooooreeeeevvvvveeer!
Leo
Understand, Leo, that it’s not that you’re fat—you just have big cheeks. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Leave that to your coworkers. They’ll call you “Hamster Squirrel Face” because you got big cheeks and you guide lots of mixed nuts up to your chattering teeth using both your hands—much like a hamster or squirrel would.
Virgo
Stop crying all the time, Virg. What’s there to cry about? You think you got it worse than some impoverished mother living in a straw hut with fifteen kids? Get over yourself. And have you noticed when you cry, your daughter cries? She does whatever you do because she looks up to you. You’re setting a bad example. So stop shopping at Wet Seal, because your daughter’s only nine and is already dressing like early 2000s Christina Aguilera.
Libra
Libs, your husband doesn’t hate you—it just disgusts him how the both of you have become distorted through the years. Don’t resort to plastic surgery, though, because you’re better than that. Stick it out with your laugh lines and crows feet. Why? ’Cause ol’ Father Time is undefeated, that’s why. No matter what a doctor nips and tucks, Father Time will win in the end.
Accept yourself and you will be accepted, no matter how severely your body has been ravaged by time. Jessica Tandy was a very attractive older woman. Maybe, at thirty-nine, you can look like her when she was eighty-seven. Good luck.
Scorpio
Scorps, I see visions. Visions of you riding upon a white steed. You, with hair flailing across your face, canter through meadows and up majestic grassy hills. A broad-chested Spanish man named Horatio chases after you atop his black mare. You ride together. You laugh as you speed through the forest and past a creek. You reach a pond with lily pads that would arouse Monet, when suddenly, Horatio tackles you from your steed. Together, you plunge into the lavender-scented water, locked in a lovers embrace. His lips are soft, his skin, firm. Are you dreaming? No, it’s real. It’s September. The end of summer. And you’re in love with this man. This man named Horatio Fernando Venezuela. You feel his throbbing biceps and his thrusting torso. He’s an animal—your animal. The pond is warm with your activity. It’s so warm. It’s getting hot now. Your thighs are awash in hot water.
Horatio just peed in the pond.
The End
Sagittarius
Oh dear, it seems your mother-in-law, Irene, is at it again. Look at her, feeding your children biscuits in gravy. Watch now as she fills their mouths with frosted gummy worms, stuffing toffee and caramels in as fast as they can chew. They love it. They love how they’re getting pudgy and immobile. Just like their father. (Sigh.) Time for a divorce, Sagi.
Capricorn
It’s true, Capri, your husband makes Antonio Sabato Jr. look like a horse’s ass. He’s basically a God walking amongst mortals. Can’t really wrap my head around how you landed him. Right place, right time, huh? Lightning has to strike sometimes, I guess. Yeah, so, ummm …. your life is great and I have no advice to give. You’re future looks pristine, too, so … I guess just keep living your perfect life. You’re lucky to have him and coincidentally are also part of a millennium-old family tree in which every woman has landed a man much better than she is. Yes, I know he’s got a great personality, too, you sluttish little penguin, you. He’s divine. Yep, you sure hit the jackpot this time.
