The month of October houses Christopher Columbus Day, and so in honor of him and all the adventurers out there, we brought together a famous bunch of ’em to help navigate you through life’s challenges. Though you may not sail the rough seas, battle angry natives, or penetrate the earth’s skies in a large cylinder blasted through space, you do have your own paths to cross. In the words of American Author David Grayson, “Adventure is not outside man; it is within.”
Libra
Christopher Columbus
This month, you’ll have three women vie for your affection. Nina. Pinta. Santa Maria. Santa Maria is pure and good. This won’t work because you’ll feel constant guilt about not living up to her high expectations. Pinta is fun and wild, but has a drinking problem that will ultimately lead you to despise her erratic behavior. Pick Nina. She knows you smell funny, use words like “vie,” and are of average intelligence, but likes you anyway. Smooth sailing is preferable to rough seas.
Scorpio
Ferdinand Magellan
Right after a man has sung “Amanda” at a local karaoke bar, he will depart the stage, walk right up to you, and take you by the hand to make you understand. He will tell you that he won’t wait another day; you are the one he’s been waiting for his whole life. He will call you the next day, send you flowers, and write you love sonnets three times a week. But this will all come to an abrupt end when he discovers your name isn’t Amanda.Stay away from karaoke bars.
Sagittarius
Vasco de Gama
Dress warm, eat plenty of foods heavy in Omega 3s, 6s, and 9s, and make eye contact when you shake hands. The world will return to the more traditional ho-hum you’re used to. Learning how to curtsey properly will benefit you greatly. Bend at the knees, not at the waist. Perhaps run for a political office of some sort. Your future is bright, so don’t blow it by getting a DUI. Text “gofastcab” into your phone.
