The month of October houses Christopher Columbus Day, and so in honor of him and all the adventurers out there, we brought together a famous bunch of ’em to help navigate you through life’s challenges. Though you may not sail the rough seas, battle angry natives, or penetrate the earth’s skies in a large cylinder blasted through space, you do have your own paths to cross. In the words of American Author David Grayson, “Adventure is not outside man; it is within.”
Libra
Christopher Columbus
This month, you’ll have three women vie for your affection. Nina. Pinta. Santa Maria. Santa Maria is pure and good. This won’t work because you’ll feel constant guilt about not living up to her high expectations. Pinta is fun and wild, but has a drinking problem that will ultimately lead you to despise her erratic behavior. Pick Nina. She knows you smell funny, use words like “vie,” and are of average intelligence, but likes you anyway. Smooth sailing is preferable to rough seas.
Scorpio
Ferdinand Magellan
Right after a man has sung “Amanda” at a local karaoke bar, he will depart the stage, walk right up to you, and take you by the hand to make you understand. He will tell you that he won’t wait another day; you are the one he’s been waiting for his whole life. He will call you the next day, send you flowers, and write you love sonnets three times a week. But this will all come to an abrupt end when he discovers your name isn’t Amanda.Stay away from karaoke bars.
Sagittarius
Vasco de Gama
Dress warm, eat plenty of foods heavy in Omega 3s, 6s, and 9s, and make eye contact when you shake hands. The world will return to the more traditional ho-hum you’re used to. Learning how to curtsey properly will benefit you greatly. Bend at the knees, not at the waist. Perhaps run for a political office of some sort. Your future is bright, so don’t blow it by getting a DUI. Text “gofastcab” into your phone.
Capricorn
Juan Ponce de Leon
Rejuvenate your mind and soul. Close your eyes. Go to a place where you find inner peace, serenity, and light. And if you can’t get there, go to Florida. There’s a town named after me. Yup, Ponce de Leon Florida. Off Interstate 10. Stop at Flute and Vegetables for homemade soaps, bamboo flutes, and other sundries.
But not on Sunday or Monday cuz the store is closed then.
Aquarius
Marco Polo
China will be the next superpower, so invest your money in the Chinese market. The average mutual fund that invests in China and the nearby Asian Tiger nations has gained 17.5 percent over the past three years, far better than the S&P 500’s 5.4 percent. Variety is the spice of life. So is cumin. Use it liberally.
Pisces
Meriwether Lewis and William Clark
Boy, if we’d been alive these days, what with shows like the Amazing Race, we’d be kickin’ it in some Bel Air mansion with a few shorties nearby. No, we had to exist at the turn of the 19th century. We lost one man in our travel party to acute appendicitis, got robbed by Sioux Indians, and had to hunt wild elk in the winter to survive.
You patsies want advice? Don’t eat gamey elk tainted with rabies. Screw you. Sincerely, Meriwether and Bill.
Aries
Neil Armstrong
Hi, I’m Neil Armstrong and believe you me, I know how taking a small step can be a giant leap for some of you—especially when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I took a small step off a tractor on my farm and my wedding ring got caught in the wheel and ripped off my ring finger. My wife divorced me fifteen years later, after thirty-eight years of marriage. Ain’t that a bitch? But I’m an optimist and married my second wife that same year and stayed married to her the rest of my life.
So take that leap of faith in that next relationship; it’s worth it, even if you have to give it the finger.
Taurus
Captain James Cook
The secret to a happy life is a happy wife. I think Nietzsche said it best. “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” Well said, good boy. In navigating your relationships, don’t rock the boat to stir things up. The seas offer enough waves on their own. Staying afloat is its own skill and sometimes relaxing is the best action you can take. Oh, and you must visit Hawai’i … it’s to die for.
Gemini
Amelia Earhart
Even when one is in a relationship, one must always remember to make time for oneself. Many a relationship have gone awry because the partners do not give one another enough space to be themselves in the relationship—to find the “me” in the “we”. One may even choose to explore others to find the me in we. That’s okay; no need to get hung up on traditional values and standards. We must spread our wings, and sometimes our legs, if we are to truly fly.
Maintain the mystery.
Cancer
Henry Hudson
For you incorrigible romantics out there, learn how to make one good specialty dish for your mate to get things … ahem, cooking. Try this:
1 pound large shrimp, peeled, cleaned, and deveined
1/2 cup olive oil
One lemon, juice only
Three garlic cloves, finely chopped
1 Tbsp. fresh rosemary, chopped
Ground black pepper
About eight fresh rosemary stems with leaves
Then:
1. Soak rosemary stems in cold water for thirty minutes.
2. Meanwhile, combine oil, lemon juice, garlic, and chopped rosemary leave in a shallow dish.
3. Add shrimp, toss to coat.
4. Marinate and then refrigerate for twenty to thirty minutes.
5. Prepare a grill to medium-high heat.
6. Skewer five marinated shrimp on each rosemary stem.
7. Cook over grill, turning once, until shrimp are curled and pink, about four minutes per side.
Oh, and cook it in your skivvies. Meow.
Leo
Amerigo Vespucci
In the not-so-distant future, there will be car-less, carbon-less cities, communities living out at sea, and life-like robots to do our dirty work. So enjoy the greenhouse effect while it lasts and throw those six-pack plastic holders out your windows now because the world’s going to be a huge, lifeless buzzkill.
Drink Fresca, a Coke product that has no equivalent at Pepsi. The last American original … with a foreign name meaning, “fresh.”
Virgo
Indiana Jones
Did you know my real name is Henry? Yeah, it is. But how legendary would I have become as “Henry Jones”?! You see why I had to lie to you. It’s not like I wanted to mislead you on any of the important stuff, the moments we’ve shared. I know things have gotten a little tiresome from me lately, and perhaps I never should have come back. Here I am. Take it or leave it. But know this: I’ve traveled the world over to discover the most beautiful treasures on Earth. But the most valuable one I’ve found is your heart. Think about it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to put on some sunblock. SPF 30 or above.
Chris Kennedy is a Los Angeles-based writer, soothsayer, and occasional naysayer. His hindsight is 20/20, His present sight is 20/15, and his foresight is 20/10. In other words, Chris is uniquely qualified to tell you more about your future than your past or present. Fractions don’t lie ... at least not in the future.
The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.