The month of October houses Christopher Columbus Day, and so in honor of him and all the adventurers out there, we brought together a famous bunch of ’em to help navigate you through life’s challenges. Though you may not sail the rough seas, battle angry natives, or penetrate the earth’s skies in a large cylinder blasted through space, you do have your own paths to cross. In the words of American Author David Grayson, “Adventure is not outside man; it is within.”
Libra
Christopher Columbus
This month, you’ll have three women vie for your affection. Nina. Pinta. Santa Maria. Santa Maria is pure and good. This won’t work because you’ll feel constant guilt about not living up to her high expectations. Pinta is fun and wild, but has a drinking problem that will ultimately lead you to despise her erratic behavior. Pick Nina. She knows you smell funny, use words like “vie,” and are of average intelligence, but likes you anyway. Smooth sailing is preferable to rough seas.
Scorpio
Ferdinand Magellan
Right after a man has sung “Amanda” at a local karaoke bar, he will depart the stage, walk right up to you, and take you by the hand to make you understand. He will tell you that he won’t wait another day; you are the one he’s been waiting for his whole life. He will call you the next day, send you flowers, and write you love sonnets three times a week. But this will all come to an abrupt end when he discovers your name isn’t Amanda.Stay away from karaoke bars.
Sagittarius
Vasco de Gama
Dress warm, eat plenty of foods heavy in Omega 3s, 6s, and 9s, and make eye contact when you shake hands. The world will return to the more traditional ho-hum you’re used to. Learning how to curtsey properly will benefit you greatly. Bend at the knees, not at the waist. Perhaps run for a political office of some sort. Your future is bright, so don’t blow it by getting a DUI. Text “gofastcab” into your phone.
Capricorn
Juan Ponce de Leon
Rejuvenate your mind and soul. Close your eyes. Go to a place where you find inner peace, serenity, and light. And if you can’t get there, go to Florida. There’s a town named after me. Yup, Ponce de Leon Florida. Off Interstate 10. Stop at Flute and Vegetables for homemade soaps, bamboo flutes, and other sundries.
But not on Sunday or Monday cuz the store is closed then.
Aquarius
Marco Polo
China will be the next superpower, so invest your money in the Chinese market. The average mutual fund that invests in China and the nearby Asian Tiger nations has gained 17.5 percent over the past three years, far better than the S&P 500’s 5.4 percent. Variety is the spice of life. So is cumin. Use it liberally.
Pisces
Meriwether Lewis and William Clark
Boy, if we’d been alive these days, what with shows like the Amazing Race, we’d be kickin’ it in some Bel Air mansion with a few shorties nearby. No, we had to exist at the turn of the 19th century. We lost one man in our travel party to acute appendicitis, got robbed by Sioux Indians, and had to hunt wild elk in the winter to survive.
You patsies want advice? Don’t eat gamey elk tainted with rabies. Screw you. Sincerely, Meriwether and Bill.
Aries
Neil Armstrong
Hi, I’m Neil Armstrong and believe you me, I know how taking a small step can be a giant leap for some of you—especially when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I took a small step off a tractor on my farm and my wedding ring got caught in the wheel and ripped off my ring finger. My wife divorced me fifteen years later, after thirty-eight years of marriage. Ain’t that a bitch? But I’m an optimist and married my second wife that same year and stayed married to her the rest of my life.
So take that leap of faith in that next relationship; it’s worth it, even if you have to give it the finger.
