The winter air wafts through the cracks in your kitchen window. Like a frosty spirit, it drifts through the living room and seeps underneath your bedroom door. As you lie there mouth-breathing and dreaming of goblets of mulled wine, the coldness grips your toes. Your thighs shiver and your stomach buckles. Your face contorts and pales as the chill envelops you whole.
Yes, the holidays are here. It’s freezing outside, your in-laws are coming, and all your hard-earned money will be spent on knickknacks for people you don’t even like.
Joy to the effin’ world.
Sagittarius
The economy’s in the toilet, but you still have to buy presents. You can’t afford what you could in the past, but that’s okay. It’s the thought that counts, isn’t it? You could give your children anything and they’d be grateful, right? Maybe a letter saying how much you love them? A handmade book of pictures chronicling their lives? Ughhhmmm … no. You will never hear such shrieks. It will be as if a dozen starving crows were let loose inside your home. Your nubile brethren are like the rest of America’s kids—spoiled rotten. Toss the sentiments and take out a loan. You’re in for a long winter.
Capricorn
Loading up on the beans, eh, Caps? A glorious spread of roast beef, ham, yams, taters, and casseroles lies before you … yet you’re working exclusively with baked beans. That’s all you’ve got on your plate. Okay, now you’re back for thirds? Wow. Here’s a tip, Caps: you don’t want to eat too healthfully on the holidays. I mean, first of all, you want to enjoy the company of your family and friends. Second of all, you don’t want to poop your pants ... oh, God. You already did, didn’t you? Tell me you’re joking. You didn’t, Caps. You did! Wow. Get the hell out of there. Seriously. You’re an animal. You’re a selfish animal, Caps!
Aquarius
This time of the year brings good tidings. Or more debt. Depends on how you look at it, right, Aquarius? Some people don’t mind having debt. Some people get depressed. You’re in the middle. You’re not super stressed out about it, but you want to have peace of mind. Well, it’s your lucky day. I’m here to give you a solution: absinthe. A distilled, highly alcoholic beverage, absinthe makes you crazy and criminal, provokes epilepsy and tuberculosis, and has killed thousands of French people throughout history. Just the thing to get you through the holidays!
Pisces
Building a snowman is a lost art. Gather your kids around you and teach them how to roll the perfect snow spheres. Teach them how to stack the spheres one on top of the other. Teach them how to shove an old carrot into the snowman’s face and put buttons in for his eyes. Teach them how to make a mouth out of twigs or raisins. But stop there—don’t get too creative. If one of your kids tries to add some other feature—say, a beard made from straw—reprimand him harshly. No pipes; no scarves, either. Just a plain American snowman. Teach your children to think inside the box, to create only what has already been created many times over. Teach them so that they may teach their children, and so on and so forth, until the end of time.
