Virgo
Did you ever in your wildest dreams think you’d be wearing a holy night–themed, red-and-green-striped vest over a cream-colored turtleneck? Back in college, when you wore only tights and halter tops, did you ever think you’d sport a horned-reindeer visor as you greeted your guests? Did you ever think you’d say things like, “No sex tonight, honey, I’ve got to go caroling”? No. But you’ve become a holiday junkie, Virgo. You’ve got a baseball cap shaped like the face of an elf that you actually wear in public. You’re really excited to show off your Christmas-tree dress at work. You light the menorah because your son-in-law is one-eighth Jewish, but he doesn’t even celebrate Hanukkah. You have seven Christmas trees. Virgs! Stop! Please. You’re obsessed. Worst of all, your husband’s deep into porn.
Libra
Libra, I know we live in America, the land o’ plenty, but must you indulge so? Holiday cheer does not equal a month-long all-you-can-eat buffet. Do you really need to shove roast duck into your mouth at such a rapid pace? My word, Libra, it’s two in the morning. No one else is around—there’s no competition for the food—so why have you eaten three pieces of chocolate cake in five minutes? You call that a midnight snack? Sorry, but “It’s the holidays” is not an acceptable excuse. Wow. Did you just drink out of the gravy boat? Shameful! Okay, now you’re just being slovenly. Stop funneling eggnog into your face!
Scorpio
This holiday season, you’re going to light up your life. You’re going to go to Home Depot and you’re going to spend $175 on two hundred yards of “festive” lights. But you won’t smile or laugh—no holiday cheer allowed. Just cold, calculated buying with a blank expression on your face. Then you’ll begin. Lights wrapped around bushes. Lights lining walkways. Lights on the roof. Lights wrapped around garden gnomes and bird fountains. Lights. Lights. Lights. But all those bulbs won’t brighten up the intense sadness you feel inside because Oprah is ending. Just a fact o’ life, Scorps.
Benji McSimmons is a Chicago-based writer who loves sweaty walks on the beach, strong bourbons, Michael Jackson, and the Faces of Death movie series. Benji has been gifted in divining the future since he was a wee lad; he knows now, for example, that he will be having a super burrito with steak in just a few hours.
The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We will focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.
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