Now you’ve told your significant other, your parents, friends, and relatives the happy news, celebrated, read every magazine and book ever published, and now eagerly await the first signs to help you feel actually really pregnant, so everyone is happy, right? Alas no, your body is not happy, in fact, it has just become the enemy and a sneaky one at that. For it is about to go out of its way to embarrass you when you very least expect it.
Maybe it’s preemptive revenge for the ridiculous combinations of food you will make it ingest, or for the indignity of being enclosed in those pregnancy pants with the big jersey pocket for your expanding bump, who knows? All we do know is that the once-friendly holder of your innards is hell bent on destruction ... Constant vigilance is the only way.
First trimester—the battle begins.
To begin with, your body will start small, with minor inconveniences. Your once placid and friendly chest will suddenly become a magnet for all household items that would usually be avoided. Contact with said object will cause pain and provoke the “grab the thing that hurts” response from you, which can be a little unsettling while shopping or paying the milkman. Unfortunately, grabbing the things that hurt will only cause them to hurt more. Defensive strategies include ultra-padded bras and, if all else fails, go for the Xena warrior princess style chest plate.*
* Warning: This option can also provoke an entirely different grab response from your significant other, so should be used with caution.
The books will tell you that your ligaments and such are relaxing and stretching ready for the task of carrying your unborn child. In fact, this is just a cover for the next stage of the attack. I’m talking stress incontinence people, this baby will strike and it will strike hard, sneeze, laugh, talk above a whisper, and there it will be.
Defenses against this attack vary from oh-so flattering yet effective pads, to avoiding all contact with any form of comedy; in fact you should carry a story about a sad puppy with you at all times just to be safe.
The attack on your senses should be kicking in about now, everything you have ever enjoyed, coffee, pizza, your partner, may now cause you to vomit spectacularly into the nearest receptacle, be it the cat’s basket or your friends hat. No defense against this one I’m afraid, but don’t worry, if you’re lucky this one will be over soon.
Which brings us neatly onto the second trimester.
A funny time indeed, your body appears to be behaving, baby is letting you know it’s around, you feel less inclined to vomit, and start to look forward to this “glow” people tell you about. Enjoy it while it lasts; your body is making plans for the next wave. Here it comes ...
Now most pregnant women, although perfectly well-balanced beforehand, will fall into two categories (unless you are one of those annoying ladies who has somehow managed to bribe or threaten your body into submission) and these are: the Emotional Wreck and the Ticking Time Bomb.
The Emotional Wreck can be recognized by these symptoms:
- A sudden and crippling attachment to your partner or friends
- The urge to cry when faced with anything cute
- High-voiced gibberish expressing delight at the aforementioned cuteness
- The urge to cry because you cant find your keys.
- The urge to cry because only one sock came out of the wash
- The urge to cry because its Wednesday
- The urge to cry
- Crying will of course cause Stress incontinence to bring out a new attack, which will make you cry
The Ticking Timebomb may show these symptoms:
- A sudden and crippling fury at your partner or friends
- The urge to dropkick when faced with anything cute
