It has been awhile...while I am still hurting...I feel that I am beginning to understand why...yes, it does include my past, but it is now including what is happening now. I have been thinking about everything that has been shared with me, as well as the conversations that I have had with a friend (the one that I feel that lost the relationship with). Everything is now falling into place. I am still struggling with drawing on my faith to help me. I didn’t have a very good relationship with my dad, so I feel like how can God still love me for what has happened, things said, etc? I am going to be meeting with one of the pastors at my church next week. I am also thinking that maybe I do need to at least look into counseling. I don’t feel that, that makes me a bad person for doing so. I do need help, but the ball is in my court as to what happens.
I am scared of talking to my friends about this...what I am feeling/thoughts that I have had or am having. I know that they care about me because they have shared that with me. I feel that the reason why I push my friends/people away from me is because of the fear of getting hurt. I am scared of sharing things from my heart. I am scared that once they find out who I really am that they won’t want to be my friend any more. Also...some of my friends like to go and tell other people what I have shared, so I feel like I have to be very careful about what I have said, especially at work. That is another reason why I don’t like to open up. I should open up...I know...I know that I am a good person with a good heart and a love for children. I would love to do something for children...I have always dreamt of writing a children’s book one day. I know that I am capable of doing a lot of things I just have to believe that I can do them.
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