How to Divorce a Friend

A few weeks ago I was having lunch with my dear friend, Lauren, whom I hadn’t seen in ages. As we were catching up over burgers and salad, she asked about a friend of mine who I’ve known for many years.

“I don’t know how she is,” I answered. “I divorced her.”

“What happened?” She asked incredulously.

Well … there wasn’t anything that happened. And that’s the difficult part.

If you’ve had an argument with someone or you’ve reached a “non-negotiable” or if life takes you in different directions, it’s “easy” to end the relationship.

But when NOTHING out of the ordinary happens … when there’s no reason to “break-up” other than you’ve out grown the friendship, it’s sticky.

“Basically,” I told Lauren, “I didn’t feel good when this friend called me.

I ALWAYS felt a sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard from her.

It was ALWAYS a big ‘ole ‘‘Should’ to return her call and I ALWAYS dreaded getting together because I didn’t enjoy it when we did.

This friendship was an energy drain. Not a pleasant pick-me-up. So I ended it.”

“Wow,” Lauren said. “I’m thinking of two friends I need to divorce … but I don’t know how.”

Breaking off a friendship is not easy ... but here are three ideas:

1. Don’t be as available.
If you don’t want a complete “split” with your “friend,” but you don’t want to see them as often, simply be busy. You’re not as available. Your time is limited. And other than “you’re busy”...you owe no excuses. Often we have to see our “friends” (or our ex’s) because of school or work or attending the same church or living in the same neighborhood. The easiest thing to do is to back-off. Don’t be as available.

2. Don’t have a “conversation” about it.
If you’re divorcing your friend because you don’t want to be friends, there’s nothing to say. To say, “I don’t want to be friends anymore because I don’t like you” is hurtful. To say, “I don’t want to be friends because I don’t like the way you do things” you risk their response being, “I’ll change. I’ll do it your way”. Then you’re screwed. And you’re building. To have a “conversation” about why you can’t be friends is counter productive. It simply doesn’t work.