One of my dearest friends has a new love. Of course, she is deliriously happy and I am happy for her. She divorced after twenty years of marriage just two years ago. She has had a couple of romantic disappointments since then. It’s nice to see her with a smile rather than with tears.
My problem is that she no longer has time for our friendship. I understand what’s happening; she suffered major self-image damage when her marriage broke up and the two men she dated afterward did more damage. To have someone get her—really see her and like who she is—has got to be intoxicating. Of course, she wants to spend every free moment with him, but she’s being good about keeping some alone time. She has a high-energy job and an elderly mother and they also need attention. Put it all together and I can see why going out with me for a movie or a drink ends up at the bottom of her to-do list more often than either of us would like. Understanding it doesn’t make it any less painful.
I don’t have problems meeting people and having fun in social settings, but I prefer solitude to crowds and reading to parties. I don’t have a lot of social contacts, so having one good friend has been extremely important to me. Besides her, I have only two other friends living in the area, and they’re more casual friendships. I hope these friendships will continue to grow and that I will make other friends, and I’m still in contact with family and friends in other areas and parts of the country, so it’s not as though I haven’t any emotional support, but she has been my best friend here, and I miss her company. Having to let go of this close connection has been made more painful because I’m unemployed and recently widowed. Rationally, I know I’m not being abandoned, but I still feel as though I am.
I could try to coax her into more than an occasional lunch or email, but it wouldn’t work; her heart wouldn’t be in it. She would know that and feel guilty about wanting to be somewhere else. Or she could become more stressed because my need for her company would be making emotional demands on her that she can’t meet and that she resents. I don’t want that.
So, I’m leaving her alone. I’ll continue to send emails, but I’ll wait for her to ask if we can get together and I’ll try not to be disappointed if she doesn’t ask for a long while.
Sometimes, life is just more difficult. I know that some day soon, it will be better—just not today.
