We grow up for so long in the spotlight of others’ definitions. The history behind them allows us to spend years feeling comfortable living in their shadows. But the truth is, life takes you in so many twists and directions if you give in to it. And when you do, you grow and change with the turns. That’s what has happened to me. I followed a path that left those definitions behind. Now when I am faced with them, I begin to question myself and confuse my family.
I’m not sure what the solution is. Something tells me it’s like everything else: you have to admit you have a problem. You have to say, “My name is “X” and I have allowed my family to create an image of me that I don’t live up to, and I like my real self better.” There, I said it.
The challenge is keeping this mentality while you are visiting your old home. I have learned that trying to push your current thinking, hobbies, or behaviors on the family can tend to cause family tension. “Hey guys, I believe more in Buddhism than Catholicism” doesn’t always inspire toasts around the table. I’ve also discovered that standing up for yourself is best limited to heavy-hitting accusations as opposed to smaller topics, like explaining that you don’t sleep until noon anymore now that you’ve been working for ten years. I think the hardest lesson to stomach is the one I’m struggling with now: as much as I would like to share my true self with my family, they are not always receptive. And, at the same time, I’m not always accepting of who they have grown in to either. Together we seem to be trying to exist in these false costumes we give each other and the result is discomfort, anger, and frustration. The more we can lose those visions and just see things for what they are, the more we will be able to enjoy each other. New Year’s resolution—here’s to next year.
