- Set boundaries. Part of being a united front means not letting relatives intrude on your coupledom. Establish rules for topics that are considered private and not up for in-law discussion, personal time (i.e., no unannounced visits), and how much holiday and vacation time will be spent with in-laws.
- Take a tip from Emily Post and adhere to basic rules of etiquette. Be polite, respectful and offer to help out. Dodge nosy questions by deflecting rudeness and changing the topic: “You’re right, Sarah, I was thinner last year. How’s your irritable bowel syndrome?”
- Remember your rights. In her book, Toxic In-Laws, Dr. Susan Forward helps us to remember that “you have the right to say ‘no’; to disagree; to not love them; to let them know when they’ve hurt, offended or mistreated you; and to ask them to stay out of problems between you and your partner.”
- Dr. Forward also suggests recognizing our own culpability with in-law relations. Expressing concerns and feelings without attacking the other person and not dwelling on past grievances can help open up honest communication. Above all, they should be treated with respect no matter how angry or hurt you feel.
- Have fun: Get togethers with in-laws are usually holidays, vacations, birthdays, weddings and the like. They are supposed to be fun times. So let them! Try to put things in perspective and seek comfort from the in-laws and relatives whose company you really do enjoy.
Developing a working relationship with in-laws can be a challenge that never goes away. Though I can’t say whether I’ll ever like my brother-in-law, he does serve one indispensable role that has resulted in enumerable good times for my parents and me: the butt of all our jokes.
PREVIOUS PAGE
